Dean's World

Interesting. Was your Mom an alcoholic when your Dad met her?

I was 8 years into my marriage with Dean before his drinking became a problem. I grew up in an outrageously normal family, I certainly don't have any daddy issues or whatever. I didn't fall for Dean because I knew he had problems because he didn't. I fell for Dean because I truly believe that he is my soulmate. I stand by him because I love him and I promised to do so when I married him. I mean what's the point of taking vows if you give up at the ..."for worse" part? Does that make me crazy?

Those weren't just words to me, they were promises. Love is easy when everything is good but I think you prove the depth of that love when shit hits the fan.

Rosemary:

I mean what's the point of taking vows if you give up at the ..."for worse" part? Does that make me crazy?

That depends on what the "worse" is, and how "worse" it gets.

In my opinion, there are actions a spouse can take which can unilaterally shred the vows; and once those vows are shredded, no one can blame the other spouse for letting go. Dr. Laura talks about the three As -- Abuse, Adultery, and Addiction -- and I think those pretty much cover it. But even with those, I think that there are degrees, and also that different marriages have different breaking points:

Abuse: I think that this is pretty much a deal-breaker; but even here, I have seen rare cases where a couple overcame it. One friend's second husband broke her arm, and we told her to get the hell out. Instead, she demanded he go for immediate alcohol therapy and other counseling; and surprisingly enough, it looks to have helped. A decade later, he seems to have stopped drinking and recognized his own weaknesses. He has grown up a lot. I'm still ready to break his knees at a moment's notice if I ever hear that he hurt her again; but I'm cautiously optimistic.

Adultery: People have an amazing range of tolerance here. I can't comprehend that, myself (I know for a fact that my marriage would last no more than ten seconds if I ever cheated on my wife); but I know it's true. And in cases where children are involved, I understand the tolerance a little better.

Addiction: And there's the rub. If you abandon an addict who needs help, that's not a very loving thing to do. Yet there's helping, and then there's enabling. I think you have to sometimes recognize two things: sometimes this person isn't interested in helping him/herself, only in finding ways to keep indulging the habit; and sometimes the addiction is actually hurting the family, making the person abusive (see above) or simply neglectful of finances, work responsibilities, and home responsibilities to the point where children are endangered. If the person isn't going to help him/herself, then standing by him/her can actually prolong the suffering all around. You can pick up the slack, but you can't make someone else be responsible.