Hmmm... I would disagree about not being able to choose who you fall in love with. Definitely you can't choose to be initially attracted to someone, but once you realize that that person is inappropriate to fall in love with (because they're married, they're an alcoholic, whatever), it's quite easy to smother your attraction to him or her. I find it usually takes about two weeks, a month if it's very strong, to kill off an attraction.
Interesting. Was your Mom an alcoholic when your Dad met her?
I was 8 years into my marriage with Dean before his drinking became a problem. I grew up in an outrageously normal family, I certainly don't have any daddy issues or whatever. I didn't fall for Dean because I knew he had problems because he didn't. I fell for Dean because I truly believe that he is my soulmate. I stand by him because I love him and I promised to do so when I married him. I mean what's the point of taking vows if you give up at the ..."for worse" part? Does that make me crazy?
Those weren't just words to me, they were promises. Love is easy when everything is good but I think you prove the depth of that love when shit hits the fan.
Rosemary:
From what I gather, my Mom was crazy when my Dad met her. I wasn’t around then, of course. Everything I’ve heard about why my Mother drinks is related to stuff that happened well before my parents met...
So, the potential for alcoholism was there. Part of what attracted my parents to each other was their craziness...
Kacie,
I said “consciously” for a reason. If we find ourselves falling for someone crazy, and recognize that their craziness is too much for us, there are ways around the feelings.
I mean what's the point of taking vows if you give up at the ..."for worse" part? Does that make me crazy?
That depends on what the "worse" is, and how "worse" it gets.
In my opinion, there are actions a spouse can take which can unilaterally shred the vows; and once those vows are shredded, no one can blame the other spouse for letting go. Dr. Laura talks about the three As -- Abuse, Adultery, and Addiction -- and I think those pretty much cover it. But even with those, I think that there are degrees, and also that different marriages have different breaking points:
Abuse: I think that this is pretty much a deal-breaker; but even here, I have seen rare cases where a couple overcame it. One friend's second husband broke her arm, and we told her to get the hell out. Instead, she demanded he go for immediate alcohol therapy and other counseling; and surprisingly enough, it looks to have helped. A decade later, he seems to have stopped drinking and recognized his own weaknesses. He has grown up a lot. I'm still ready to break his knees at a moment's notice if I ever hear that he hurt her again; but I'm cautiously optimistic.
Adultery: People have an amazing range of tolerance here. I can't comprehend that, myself (I know for a fact that my marriage would last no more than ten seconds if I ever cheated on my wife); but I know it's true. And in cases where children are involved, I understand the tolerance a little better.
Addiction: And there's the rub. If you abandon an addict who needs help, that's not a very loving thing to do. Yet there's helping, and then there's enabling. I think you have to sometimes recognize two things: sometimes this person isn't interested in helping him/herself, only in finding ways to keep indulging the habit; and sometimes the addiction is actually hurting the family, making the person abusive (see above) or simply neglectful of finances, work responsibilities, and home responsibilities to the point where children are endangered. If the person isn't going to help him/herself, then standing by him/her can actually prolong the suffering all around. You can pick up the slack, but you can't make someone else be responsible.
I was 8 years into my marriage with Dean before his drinking became a problem. I grew up in an outrageously normal family, I certainly don't have any daddy issues or whatever. I didn't fall for Dean because I knew he had problems because he didn't. I fell for Dean because I truly believe that he is my soulmate. I stand by him because I love him and I promised to do so when I married him. I mean what's the point of taking vows if you give up at the ..."for worse" part? Does that make me crazy?
Those weren't just words to me, they were promises. Love is easy when everything is good but I think you prove the depth of that love when shit hits the fan.
From what I gather, my Mom was crazy when my Dad met her. I wasn’t around then, of course. Everything I’ve heard about why my Mother drinks is related to stuff that happened well before my parents met...
So, the potential for alcoholism was there. Part of what attracted my parents to each other was their craziness...
Kacie,
I said “consciously” for a reason. If we find ourselves falling for someone crazy, and recognize that their craziness is too much for us, there are ways around the feelings.
That depends on what the "worse" is, and how "worse" it gets.
In my opinion, there are actions a spouse can take which can unilaterally shred the vows; and once those vows are shredded, no one can blame the other spouse for letting go. Dr. Laura talks about the three As -- Abuse, Adultery, and Addiction -- and I think those pretty much cover it. But even with those, I think that there are degrees, and also that different marriages have different breaking points:
Abuse: I think that this is pretty much a deal-breaker; but even here, I have seen rare cases where a couple overcame it. One friend's second husband broke her arm, and we told her to get the hell out. Instead, she demanded he go for immediate alcohol therapy and other counseling; and surprisingly enough, it looks to have helped. A decade later, he seems to have stopped drinking and recognized his own weaknesses. He has grown up a lot. I'm still ready to break his knees at a moment's notice if I ever hear that he hurt her again; but I'm cautiously optimistic.
Adultery: People have an amazing range of tolerance here. I can't comprehend that, myself (I know for a fact that my marriage would last no more than ten seconds if I ever cheated on my wife); but I know it's true. And in cases where children are involved, I understand the tolerance a little better.
Addiction: And there's the rub. If you abandon an addict who needs help, that's not a very loving thing to do. Yet there's helping, and then there's enabling. I think you have to sometimes recognize two things: sometimes this person isn't interested in helping him/herself, only in finding ways to keep indulging the habit; and sometimes the addiction is actually hurting the family, making the person abusive (see above) or simply neglectful of finances, work responsibilities, and home responsibilities to the point where children are endangered. If the person isn't going to help him/herself, then standing by him/her can actually prolong the suffering all around. You can pick up the slack, but you can't make someone else be responsible.
I couldn't agree more, I am certifiably insane.
I love my mother.
I love my sister.
I love my husband.
I also HATE them for all the pain they have brought into my life.
They are often undeserving of my loyalty and support.
Hey even insane people need loved ones I guess.