Humor
Dean
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: Doesn't matter, he isn't going to come anyway.
(How about you? Heard any good ones lately?)
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Dean's World uses and recommends:
So crabs can bungee.
The newspaper headlines read "small medium at large."
Beautician: "Sure"
Man - pointing to teeth: "Good. Got one caught right there."
Crestfallen, the guy walks back out on the street and a block or so away meets up with his friend, who is out walking his labrador. He tells his friend what happened and his friend says, "Hey, no problem, just do this: put on some sunglasses and walk in and tell them it's your seeing eye dog."
The first guy is dubious but his friend demonstrates by walking into a nearby bar with his sunglasses on. He sees him talking to the bartender for a few seconds and then being led to a table, and decides to try it.
So he puts on his shades and walks into the bar. This bartender challenges him also, but he replies, "No, I'm blind and this is my service dog."
The bartender promptly leads him to a table and sits him down. But before he leaves, he says, "Y'know, I didn't know they used dachshunds as seeing eye dogs."
The guy replies, "...I got a dachshund?"
One sausage says to the other, "Boy, it's getting hot in here."
The other sausage replies, "Wow, a talking sausage!"
An American businessman is visiting Japan.
The first night there, he's getting bored, so he hires a local hooker and they go at it all night. She keeps screaming "Fugifoo! Fugifoo!" and he takes this to mean he's doing something right.
The next day, he's out golfing with his Japanese clients and shoots a hole in one! He can't believe it, and, trying to impress his clients with his knowledge of Japanese, he shouts triumphantly, "Fugifoo!"
The Japanese guys stop and look at him, confused. "What are you talking about?" they ask. "That's the right hole."
“The MSM is an anachronism!”, she hears. “Give us the truth, or give us your job!”
She focuses on the source of the ranting, and spots a frog. Leaning over, she picks up the frog and brings it to her eye.
The frog says, “Here’s the deal lady: I’m yours. Kiss me, and I’ll turn in to a blogger! I’ll have the looks of Vodkapundit, the insight of Dean’s World, and the influence of Instapundit.”
The woman smiles, and shakes her head knowingly. “That sounds great, but I want to think about this a bit.” she says. She sticks the frog into her pocket.
A few minutes later, the frog works his way out of her pocket.
“Please, PLEASE kiss me!”, he croaks. “I promise you, I’ll be the best blogger the world has ever seen! Just think of the ad potential. And I can beg better than Sullivan! If that’s not enough, I can sell myself out to Media Matters. We’ll be set for life!”
The woman smiles at the frog and says, “Sorry, but I’m not going to kiss you. I can make more money from a talking frog.”
jay, aka jmaster.
A: It can't be done. It's a hardware problem.
And now, a long one...
One day, Quasimodo died and the priests at Notre Dame had to find a new bell-ringer. They held hundreds of auditions but no one was able to produce the clarity of tone and beauty of melody that Quasimodo had. They were beginning to feel that they were just going to have to lower their standards when the secretary told them there was one more auditioner. They told her to bring him in, and in walks a guy with no arms!
"Are you in the right room?" asks one of the priests. "This is the bellringer auditions."
"I know," says the guy. "This is all I've ever wanted to do. Even the opportunity to audition for you is truly an honor."
The priests whispered amongst themselves for a moment. "But, um... You've got no arms. How are you supposed to ring the bells with no arms?"
"I'll show you," said the man, who then proceeded to run full speed at the bells, then he leapt into the air and smacked the bell with the side of his face.
The tone he produced was the most beautiful that the priests had ever heard and they were shocked speechless for a moment. Then they noticed the man lying on the floor by the bell, his nose bleeding and his face swelling up like a balloon.
"Howdit thound?" He asked, through swollen lips.
They had to admit that it had sounded great. "But you can't keep doing this," said one of the priests. "Just look at you!"
"No, pleathe!" thaid the man. "I've been waiting for thith my whole life! You've got to hire me!"
They were moved by his passion, and more than a little by the sheer beauty that he had brought out of the bells, so they hired him.
For the next few weeks, things went great. The bells sounded clear and strong with a beauty that they had never before known. People came up and complimented the priests on them. Donations skyrocketed.
In the meantime, the poor bellringer was looking worse and worse. His face was always bruised and swollen to the point where, except for the no-arms part, he was unrecognizable. The priests felt bad, but well, the donations!
They knew that it couldn't last though, and sure enough, one Sunday morning, the poor boy's eyes were completely swollen shut, and he missed the bell entirely, shooting right out the window and falling all the way down to the courtyard below.
The priests were grief-stricken and distraught, furious with themselves for allowing it to go on as long as it had. The police came around to investigate.
"Poor bastard," said the gendarme, "What was his name?"
The priests looked at eachother and shrugged. "He never told us his name," said one, "But his face sure rings a bell."
*rimshot*
The parrot says," China, there's a billion of 'em."
You can sleep with a light on.
========================================
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "F*ck me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted.
Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400-pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
======================================
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said,"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought,"I don't f*cking think so."
==================================
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his apartment and she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to
mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him. They kiss....and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy l-o-v-e.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the after glow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"
The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
==========================================
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the
restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck.
"Huey" said the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day".
"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender.
Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?".
"Dewey" came the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?".
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again".
So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie".
"No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my freaking day".
=======================================
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I
mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset.... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, ama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
=======================================
So men can understand them.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Why don't blind folks go sky-diving?
Because it scares the dogs.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A teacher took a new position teaching music in a school for the mentally handicapped. He attempted to start a choir but was having a little trouble getting the kids to sing as a group.
"Give them a treat if they do really well," the headmaster advised them, which he decided was good advice.
A little while later, he was back at the headmaster's desk. "The kids are doing much better," he said. "In fact, they're sounding really good, but they've all gotten fat and broken out with horrible acne. I'd love to give a concert, but they should be seen in public!"
"What are you giving them for a treat?" asked the headmaster.
"A Coke and a candy bar," the teacher replied.
"Try a nutritious snack instead," the headmaster advised.
So the teacher did, and sure enough, the kids began to lose weight and the acne cleared up. In fact, they got so good, they were soon giving concerts all over the world. Well, I'm sure you've heard of them...
The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.