Dean's World

The Republican Party has finally won its long-acknowledged goal of complete dominance of American government. The President, both houses of Congress, a majority of state legislatures and governorships, are now fully and securely in Republican control. Now the Master Plan can finally be implemented in full.

Tomorrow morning, Arch-Leader George W. Bush announces the abolition of the First Amendment. All nekkid pictures on television and the internet will be banned, and anyone caught in posession of copies of Playboy Magazine will be jailed. Anyone speaking poorly of the President, his mother, or Apple Pie will henceforth be jailed without trial.

Free guns are to be issued to all schoolchildren over the age of 6 by the end of the year. A universal draft will also be reinstated for all males between the ages of 13 and 65, unless you're a white male Protestant, in which case you will be exempt. The rest will have the honor of serving as cannon-fodder in our glorious quest to abolish all other civilizations on the globe.

Starting in 2006, all citizens will be required to drive SUVs that get only 3 miles per gallon. This is so we can keep our Big Oil Department humming along as the backbone of The New Old Economy!

All national forests, national parks, and forest preserves are to be paved over and replaced with strip malls by 2015. However, in order to ensure that nature's beauty is preserved for future generations, all surviving examples of the world's endangered species are to be shot, stuffed, and put on public display in our nation's schools and museums.

In keeping with the new plan for America, Strict Constructionist judges will, no later than the end of 2005, declare that blacks are to be re-reduced to the status of 3/5ths of a human being. (Except we like Coolio, and that Sinbad guy's kinda funny, so they're exempt.)

Women nationwide will immediately be fired from all positions of management or authority. Unmarried women will be assigned to their fathers or a designated Legal Guardian until suitable husbands can be found. All women will be required to bear at least three children in order to further the American race.

On yeah, and female sportscasters are hereby banned forever!

Homosexuals, Jews, and Catholics will all immediately be assigned to Re-Education Camps run by the Reverends Falwell and Robertson. (Hope you guys like cookies and lemonade.) Until the Homosexual Problem in particular is resolved, all forms of Musical Theater will henceforth be banned. Also, all art not drawn by Norman Rockwell will also be banned.

All prime-time television will be replaced, by Presidential decree, with reruns of television shows made no later than 1963. Non prime-time television shall consist entirely of Bob Barker's Let's Make A Deal and the newly-revived Dialing for Dollars and, occasionally, variety shows from the 1970s.

All music other than the two officially-recognized forms--Country and Western--is hereby banned. Since The Star Spangled Banner doesn't quite fit either category, the National Anthem is henceforth to be either Dueling Banjos or that whistling guy from The Andy Griffith Show. (To throw Democrats a bone, we'll let them choose that one.)

Finally, Federal Law Enforcement agencies are all hereby abolished and replaced by the Fortune 500 companies, who will henceforth tell you what you are allowed to eat, drink, or wear at all times. Your careers will also be assigned for you by Corporate Management Experts who will determine for you what job you should have and how much you should be allowed to make. (By the way, do you want fries with that?)

Yes, my fellow Americans-who-voted-Republican-this-year, finally our goal is complete. Well done!

P.S.: We haven't decided yet whether to ban imported beer. Please let us know what you think.