Dean's World

For two years our front door's deadbolt lock has been difficult to open and shut. It catches, if freezes, it pops and creaks. It used to be mildly annoying but it's gotten worse with time. Like the proverbial (and by the way, false) story of the frog in slowly-boiling water, we just sort of got used to it. But of late it's been truly terrible.

Yesterday while pondering weighty matters of cosmology, molecular biology, and the nature of Senate cloture rules, I had a truly brilliant insight, worthy of Galileo, Einstein, Copernicus, Duesberg, Archimedes: "perhaps a lubricant might help."

Fetching a can containing a special chemical formula known to advanced students of chemistry as "WD40," I sprayed some into the keyhole, inserted the key into the lock, and opened and shut the mechanism few times. Then I sprayed in some more of the amazing chemical, and worked the mechanism a bit more.

Amazingly, the lock ceased to be difficult to turn at all!

But of course, a true scientific theory cannot be validated unless an experiment is replicated. What could I do? Then I beheld: the second lock on the door! While less troublesome, it also acted stubbornly. Eureka! I could try replicating the experiment on this very second lock!

"Spritz spritz!" into the keyhole. Work the lock mechanism a bit with the key. "Spritz spritz!" again and work it some more.

As the hypothesis predicated, now the second lock opened and shut smoothly and without difficulty. Experiment replicated successfully! Another victory for the forces of innovation and enlightened thinking!

I invite any of my peers to replicate the experiment, and to test my new theory: cranky, stubborn locks are often improved in function by the application of lubricating oils. I believe once this is replicated successfully, we can move it into the realm of established theory.

Anyone think I could get a patent on this thing?

(If I am forced to explain the humor of this piece to you, I will have to slap you in Three Stooges fashion. Or drop an anvil on your head.)

I'm sorry, I posted about this earlier but few seem to be reacting to it. So let's lay it out again to get your attention:

Dead babies stuffed in ice coolers. Women, children, and babies of all ages raped. Cannibalism. Shootings everywhere. Corpses numbered in the hundreds at the Superdome, and tens of thousands throughout the city.

Bulls**t. It was all f**king bulls**t. You know, I am usually one of the first to stand up and say I hate false accusations of racism, and how America is mostly over that crap from the past, but someone please tell me: why did we all believe this racist bulls**t about the darkies down in New Orleans? (Yes, including a lot of you black folks, don't deny it... why the F**K did any of us buy this S***???)

Because NONE OF IT HAPPENED!

ARE YOU NOT ANGRY ABOUT THAT?????

* Update * Juliette thinks I'm wrong. Maybe she's right, but I gotta wonder about all those stories of po' white trash on the gulf coast raping babies and eating each other that we never heard. Come on man, what's been goin' on here?

The Conservative Thinking blog thinks I've gone off the deep end. My question would be: how so? We all bought into this complete bulls**t about how poor folks in New Orleans were raping each other, stabbing each other, slashing each others' throats, torturing and raping babies, and behaving like complete animals. But it never happened. Why did we buy into this? Why did we all--black, white, and otherwise, why did we all just accept this? What the hell were we thinking? It wasn't even close to the truth!

* Update 2 * Others in the comments are making a good point: a lot of these reports came out of Mayor Nagin and the New Orleans chief of police. I hadn't thought of that, good point.