Soundfury has asked me about my criticism of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).

First off, I'll note that any person or organization should be open to criticism. Criticism is a good thing, not a bad thing, at least when it's honest and not merely antagonistic. Besides, I've often praised AA. I've even created an alcohol abuse archive with most of what I've written on the matter, and you can see for yourself that some of it is very positive. I merely note that AA's not for everyone--and by the way, so did AA's founder Bill W. For some people, AA is the only thing that works. For others, it's a poor fit. We ought to be able to acknowledge that without being angry or defensive about it.

I have another issue, though, and that is that every time--every single time--I say anything to question what they tell you at AA meetings, suggest that not everyone drunk needs AA, or say that there are things that bother me about the AA credo, I get scads of angry letters, defensive comments, and insinuations about my character. I can no longer count the number of times in the last five and a half weeks that I have been told that I am:

1) In denial
2) Think I know everything
3) Think I'm smarter than other drunks
4) Not truly committed to recovery
5) Will fall off the wagon soon
6) Am hurting alcoholics by discouraging them from seeking AA

I'm bracing myself for still more of all of the above just for posting this article.

Then again, whenever I say anything skeptical of AA, or mention alternatives such as Women for Sobriety, Moderation Management, Rational Recovery, SMART Recovery, books on quitting without AA, or people who claim that A.A. caused them problems, you know what else I get?

1) Emails from people who left AA because they hated it, and got sober anyway.
2) Emails from women thanking me for turning them on to Women for Sobriety because they liked it so much better than AA.
3) People who found that they could, after all, moderate their drinking, and were angry that AA told them they could never moderate.
4) Emails from AA members who've been with the organization for over 10 years, but who encourage me. "Whatever works, do it, and call or write me any time if you need help," they tell me.

I have found the last group to be the most inspiring, by the way.

Then, there are some other letters I've gotten from the people still struggling with alcohol. I've gotten several that go a lot like this:

"I can't stop drinking, but I hate those AA meetings so much. They just make me feel worse. I've decided I'm constitutionally incapable of change. I'm powerless before alcohol, and I'd rather drink than go to any more of their meetings. I hope you can save yourself, it's too late for me."

I've also gotten mails that just say things like, "I'm having trouble with alcohol too, thanks for sharing your struggle and not being afraid to ask questions or explore alternatives." Indeed, I got another one just like that last night.

It's a little humbling, because people are asking me for advice and I'm still stumbling a bit in the dark myself. Then again, I haven't had a drink since February 26th, so I guess that's worth something. More to the point, I think an awful lot of people are simply not comfortable with group meetings, or have issues with the 12-step approach, and are glad to see that there are alternatives that can be explored.

The fact of the matter is that there are alternatives to AA which seem to work a lot better for some people. I haven't set foot in an AA meeting in more than a month. I have no intention of attending anther one, either, because I simply don't like them. But I have used the services of a psychologist who is herself an alcoholic who has not had a drink in 15 years--and who herself does not endorse AA. The woman's got her Ph.D. and treats drunks and addicts for a living. But no AA for her, and not for most of her clients either.

Being honest with yourself is the most important thing. That's one thing I'll never argue with the AA folks about. But beyond that, we need to stop treating this or any other treatment plan like it cannot be questioned, cannot be improved upon, or cannot be a negative thing for some people.

Again, by the way, I've gotten chills down my spine from people who've told me, "I'm constitutionally incapable fo change. I can't go back to those meetings, I just can't."

Straight out of the AA credo, that line about "constitutionally incapable." Ditto the people who say they're "powerless" and have therefore given up. Yes, AA's defenders will say they're misinterpreting those words, but I say, maybe the real problem is they need to hear some different words. Let's not give them, or me, a hard time for seeking out alternatives if one approach isn't meeting their needs.

I ask my question again: is the goal to get people into AA, or is it to help them?

* Update * Dan, an alcoholic coming up on five years of sobriety, has a personal story.

Dang. 30 days.

Time flies when you're not drinking.

20 days. I've been good for 20 days, and just fine.

Today I've been practically overwhelmed by the urge to go drink a bunch of beer. It's like a meteor strike. I was just fine, then started listening to people partying on the radio while driving home from seeing my therapist, and it was a serious effort not to stop at one of the many party stores (which is what Detroiters call liquor stores) on the way home.

I didn't. I just keep thinking, but it would be so much fun!

Ah, but it's not me thinking that. It's the beast, that subtle enemy that lives in my animal brain. I don't want to drink, it does.

Oh well. I've got better things to do. My beast wants a drink, but it can't have one. Poor thing. Too bad. Suffer, beast, suffer. I enjoy your pain.

(I'll be fine, folks. I just felt like sharing. Nothing to see here, just a habitual drunk choosing to stay sober on the biggest drinking day of the year. Nothing to see, move along....)

The Paratrooper of Love intends to dedicate this day to science, risking life and liver in the name of making at least one tiny advance in mankind's quest for higher understanding.

I admire his courage and his dedication to mankind. I wish I could join him in his quest. [sigh]

(Guess I'd better finish that Women For Sobriety profile. I'll need something to do today after all....)

In 2000, a woman named Audrey Kishline, founder of a movement called "Moderation Management," had a blackout and, while driving drunk, killed two people. She is currently in prison. When this happened, the national Alcoholics Anonymous organization issued a statement condemning the drinking moderation movement and re-iterating its century-old assertion that only lifelong and total abstinence was appropriate for anyone with any sort of drinking problem.

Those of us who have known diehard AA members for most of our lives immediately grew suspicious. We dug deeper, and found out something that AA, to this day, has yet to acknowledge: Several months before her accident, Kishline resigned from the board of Moderation Management, renounced moderation, and began regularly attending meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous.

She was a 12-stepper in good standing when she killed those people.

Ask anyone with more than 10 years of sobriety within AA, and they will tell you stories of fellow members they knew who were sober for many years within AA, only to suddenly fall off the wagon and destroy their own lives, completely without warning.

Given this, why would AA choose to deny its own failure in regards to Kishline, and instead choose to attack another organization that is dedicated to helping people overcome their problems?

In any case, despite the black eye that MM (and AA) received from Kishline's tragedy, Moderation Management remains a national organization that claims to have helped countless people overcome their dependence on alcohol. It takes the common-sense position that if you think you have a drinking problem, you probably do, and offers positive suggestions and goals for getting drinking under control.

MM takes the position that about 30% of problem drinkers--roughly a third--probably require lifelong abstinence. They seek to support those people, and openly state that their program may well be a stepping stone toward programs such as AA, RR, SMART, WFS, SOS, and similar total-abstinence programs.

Still, MM takes the position that a majoritiy of people can moderate if they really want to, so long as they take it seriously, and are genuinely committed to changing toward a healthier, more positive, and more safe lifestyle.

How does their approach work? First and foremost, MM stresses that the goal is good health and firm control. Anyone wishing to take the MM approach seriously must first commit to a significant period of total abstinence. The minimum requirement is 30 days (referred to as "doing a 30"), although longer is encouraged. This allows the drinker to prove to himself that he is capable of abstinence, and gives him a substantial period to think hard about his use of alcohol, carefully considering why it's become a problem for him and finding ways to enjoy himself without drinking.

If the drinker decides to return to drinking, he is expected to follow a rather rigorous program of moderation. Goals must be set: what is the maximum you will allow yourself to drink in any 24 hour period, and what is the maximum you will allow yourself to drink in any 7 day period?

The MM suggestion is a maximum of 4 servings of any alcoholic beverage in any 24 hour period, with a maximum of 14 servings in any one week. Within any 24 hour period, it is further suggested that you allow yourself no more than one serving per hour. Drinking more than two days in a row is also generally discouraged.

The program also stresses that these are maximums. Drinking less is encouraged. The real goal is to get the drinker to develop the discipline, to "build the muscles," that will allow him to reach a point where he can casually have a drink or two without allowing himself to become truly intoxicated, and to avoid becoming dependent upon drinking to relax, have fun, or fall sleep.

When first returning to drinking, the person faithfully following the MM program is required to keep a "drinking journal." Any time he wishes to indulge in an alcoholic beverage, he is required to write down what he is about to drink, why he is going to drink it, what he believes the effect will be, what the cost is, what the negative consequences might be, and whether he intends to have another. If after the first drink he decides to have a second, he is expected to repeat that exercise: Why am I going to drink this? What will the effect be? Willl there be any negative consequences, any risks? If so, what are they? Do I intend to have still another one after this?

If he exceeds his daily or weekly limits, he is expected, upon arising the next day, to write a journal entry explaining what happened, and why, and to carefully and honestly contemplate what it might mean.

The MM approach also strongly encourages the person with a goal of moderate drinking to either attend group meetings, or to use "online meetings" to discuss all these issues with others who have the same goals: getting problem drinking under control, without beating themselves or each other up.

Interestingly, among regulars to MM meetings are people who, after a period of experimentation, have decided that they cannot effectively moderate, and who choose to more or less permanently abstain. Yet, while MM openly encourages such people to seek out total-abstention support groups, they are also welcome to stay within MM as members who abstain. Some do so, because they find value in the companionship of others who are committed to lives not controlled or dominated by alcohol, and are happy to support those who eventually decide that moderation won't work for them.

The question many who look at MM have is, "If you think you have a problem, why would you drink at all?" The answers to that question vary with each individual, but they are usually a variation on one of the following:

* I don't like the idea that I am "helpless" and can't control myself. I'd rather learn control.
* Moderate drinking, if it stays moderate, is healthy and can be a part of a balanced life.
* It's pleasurable to have a beer, or a glass of wine with dinner, once in a while.
* I hate being fearful of a beverage.
* Complete abstinence forever makes me feel like I'm denying myself and makes me want to drink more.
* Alcoholic beverages are as old as civilization itself; Why deny myself one of life's simple pleasures if I can return to healthy control instead?

Critics of MM say that if you have a problem with something, you should cut it out of your life forever. They also say that just by suggesting, by even hinting, that total abstinence may not be necessary, they are encouraging alcoholics to "stay in denial" and not help themselves.

The response from MM advocates is that people are responsible for their own behavior, and that MM has always advocated total abstinence for some people. But they also point to a large body of research which shows that total-abstinence programs fail far more often than they succeed.

Moderation Management is the only the only national alcohol support organization that does not mandate total, lifelong abstinence. The Moderation Management web site contains more information, including where you can find support meetings, where you can sign up for online support if meetings are not available in your area, FAQs, and links to other resources for people seeking to get drinking problems under control.

For those of you who are curious, I have not decided at this time to follow the MM approach. I am still abstinent and may well stay that way the rest of my life. But I do respect the Moderation Management organization and its goals. If you think you have a drinking problem but do not feel ready to jump into a program of lifelong sobriety, you might want to investigate MM. I have corresponded with many people who report good results with the MM program, including more than a few who found AA intolerable but have been successful for several years now with MM.

If nothing else, exploring what MM has to offer is likely to be a learning experience for anyone wrestling with alcohol issues.

Once again, the Moderation Management web site is right here, and has lots of material worth exploring.

* Update * It has been pointed out by two commenters that the Alcoholics Anonymous organization has a long standing policy of not commenting on other sobriety programs at all, and that AA never issued a condemnation of MM. I therefore retract the above comment. What I should have said was that prominent individuals who advocate for 12-step programs, and organizations that advocate the AA approach, and countless AA members I've met, hae so condemned MM. The AA organization itself, so far as I know, never issued a statement, and I'm sorry I said otherwise.

I continue to point out, however, that I've heard Kishline's story told over and over again by AA advocates, virtually all of them failing to acknowledge that Kishline had quit MM and as a 12-stepper in good standing when she killed those people. I also re-iterate that, while I know for a fact that AA has saved lives that seemed otherwise hopeless, it's inappropriate for AA advocates to point to the failures of other programs without acknowledging AA's own shortcomings. The question is not "how do we get people into AA," it's "how do we get people healthy and back in control of their lives?" Dissing other programs is not the way to do that.

I don't think anyone would argue with that, would they?

In the mid-90s, a comprehensive study of over 4,500 people who were diagnosed with alcohol dependence as defined by the DSM-IV found that a majority conquered their drinking problem entirely on their own, without any formal treatment program of any kind, AA or otherwise. On the other hand, other studies do suggest that those who use formal treatment succeed at a higher rate than those who do not. On the third hand, the same studies showed that programs other than AA had equally good success rates, and that, despite what they tell you at AA meetings, AA does not and never has been shown to be more effective than other programs. Even AA founder Bill Wilson admitted that some people did not need AA and were better off seeking alternatives. (They don't tell you that at AA meetings, but it's true.)

As I mentioned yesterday, I have made a determination for now that, having been exposed to AA-style "12-step" programs for over 20 years, the AA program is not for me at this time. Although I value the insight and support of experienced AA folks, I ask that all of you simply accept that this is not the path I will be taking for now.

As part of my own efforts, I will be profiling some of the addiction treatment systems out there. Here is a profile of one of the more popular alternatives: Rational Recovery.

Founded in 1986 by Lois & Jack Trimpey, the RR (Rational Recovery) movement rather brazenly proclaims itself to be "the antithesis and irreconcilable arch-rival of Alcoholics Anonymous." Save for admitting you have a problem, and that you should abstain for life, they reject practically everything in the AA credo. They believe, for example, that:

* The notion that addiction is a disease is categorically false.

* Codependency is a myth.

* Group meetings are often counterproductive and tend to become a substitute addiction.

* Addiction recovery is an entirely personal journey and requires very little in terms of support from family or friends.

* No one drinks because of genetics, or because they're depressed or stressed or insecure or bored or due to peer pressure. You drink because it feels good. Period. No exceptions. All other excuses (depression, stress, genetics, insecurity, and so on) can be addressed by other means, and are thus merely excuses.

While I consider these views a bit on the radical side, I must confess I find the no-bullshit attitude rather bracing.

The basis of RR's theory is that the brain is loosely divided into sections, some more primitive and animalistic than others, and that the urge to drink (or use other addicting substances) comes from irrational, instinctive, animalistic parts of the mind that instinctively seek pleasure--and that simply recognizing this, identifying it, giving it a name and a voice, is key to conquering it. The basic techinque is therefore called "Addictive Voice Recognition Technique," or AVRT.

The "crash course" in AVRT simply looks like this:

Observe your thoughts and feelings, positive and negative, about drinking or using. Thoughts and feelings which support continued use are called the Addictive Voice (AV); those which support abstinence are you. When you recognize and understand your AV, it becomes not-you, but "it," an easily-defeated enemy that has been causing you to drink. All it wants is pleasure. "I want a drink," becomes, "It wants a drink." Think to yourself, "I will never drink again," and listen for its reaction. Your negative thoughts and feelings are your AV talking back to you. Now, think, "I will drink/use whenever I please." Your pleasant feelings are also the AV, which is in control. Recovery is not a process; it is an event. The magic word is "Never," as in, "I will never drink/use again." Recognition defeats short-term desire, and abstinence soon becomes effortless. Complete sepaertion of "you" from "it" leads to complete recovery and hope for a better life. The only time you can drink is now, and the only time you can quit for good is right now. "I will never drink/use again," becomes, "I never drink now." It's not hard; anyone can do it.

(See Crash Course for Effective Abstinence for more.)

Rational Recovery was originally published in a book known as "The Small Book" back in the 1980s, but most up-to-date book on this methodology is simply called Rationial Recovery: The New Cure for Substance Addiction. They claim their program is equally successful for drinking, narcotics, and smoking.

They offer no group meetings, and only a limited number of workshops. There is the book, and there are some relatively cheap online forums that you can use to discuss the RR approach with others following the same path--although, even then, the RR folks say that spending more than a year in the forums is probably a waste of time and money.

An interesting and free tool by the Rational Recovery folks is the Bullets for the Beast slideshow, which supposedly help addicts separate themselves from their unhealthy and irrational desires for alcohol or other unhealthy substances.

The Rational Recovery books sell quite well, and I've heard from people using this approach with some success. There does seem to be one inherent flaw in Rational Recovery's logic: if separating out one's desire for alcohol or nicotine or drugs from one's "true self" is so very easy, it would seem that one should be able to use casually, and then merely defeat one's "inner beast" whenever you want, including after a few beers or hits off the crack pipe.

Nevertheless, the program does seem to work for some of its proponents. Obviously, not everyone will agree with the RR approach or philosophy, but it's an interesting approach to say the least. I must confess to already drawing some inspiration from it: considering the urge to drink to be an "it," a thing separate from myself, really seems quite powerful.

You can find out more about Rational Recovery at the Internet Center for Self-Recovery.

You lose weight like crazy, and don't even have to try.

Yesterday I attended my second Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Writing about these things is a bit of a challenge because I have to be very careful. To maintain the promise of confidentiality, I will not tell you where I went, when I went there, or give you names or physical descriptions of people. I will even slightly alter a few details, perhaps switch some sexes around, just to be sure. But, with that caveat in mind, I would like to tell you a few things about what I observed, and how powerful some of it was.

I will also tell you why I won't be going back to AA any time soon, even though my respect for the program has increased tremendously.

There's More...

You save a lot of money.

I mean a lot of money.

I think that's pretty damned cool, James.

And welcome to the blogroll.

It's an old ritual: My name is Dean, and I am an alcoholic. I have been sober for nine days.

Where we will go from that beginning, I am not sure. But I've drawn you all into my story of addiction, and I've decided to keep you as part of the story for now. That wasn't my plan, but in repayment for all of your tremendous faith in me, your support for me and my family in this private-turned-public struggle, I am going to continue to share my story with you.

There is a selfish motive. By sharing it with you all so openly, I sense that it will help me. I also have a hope, or a notion anyway, that by doing so, others may be helped. For, among the hundreds of letters I've received on this subject, some have been from others who are suffering and trying to get this same problem under control yet still cannot.

I feel that I am engaged in a fight for my life and my sanity and, most important of all, my family. That being the case, I intend to use any and every weapon I can. If the spear won't work, the bow might. If the bow doesn't, the knife might. If the knife won't, the gun might. If the gun won't, judo might.

So, periodically, not necessarily daily, I will discuss my struggle, my fight. I will discuss everything except private matters that pass between me and my wife and son which are no one's business but ours. Those shall remain private, except for whatever she might choose to make public. That will be her choice.

So. To start. What happened to me?

There's More...

Here is a reading list some of you should see.

I may be going back. But it'll be with eyes wide open. I think more people need their eyes open on these issues. AA can and has hurt people, left them worse off than they were before they started. I've talked to some of them. We need to be more honest about this or AA will continue to hurt people who don't need to be hurt.

By the way, you might want to look at this too.

The public support I've received the last couple of weeks has been amazing. But the pressure on me to go to AA from family, friends, and all you wonderful people, hundreds of you, has been almost overwhelming. But when I went there, I saw all the same positives, and all the negatives, that I and others have seen in 12-step programs before (yes, I've been to them before).

I do not hate AA. I know it has saved lives. But I want people to be aware that there are those who have failed in 12-step programs, only to go on to find something that worked much better for them and to succeed after leaving AA. In some cases, succeeding despite AA.

Alternatives do exist, and many of them have excellent track records. People need to know this, and they need to know that there is a dangerous and destructive side to 12-step programs, most especially for people who obsess over them, or confuse addiction issues with other life issues. Not to mention from people who prowl AA meetings looking for emotionally needy people to manipulate.

An entire national organization exists, with members all over North American, for women who're trying to get sober but escape from the 12 steps. They're called Women For Sobriety, and they were founded almost 30 years ago specifically to help women get away from AA.

There are several other national groups as well, with differing philosophies and approaches from AA, some specifically created just to help people escape AA.

We need to stop pushing AA at people. It is not the only program that works, it is not the only one with a good track record, and it is absolutely not without its dangers or its dark side, as some veteran AA members have told me without hesitation (and I am incredibly grateful to them for their honesty).

I know I said I wouldn't say more about this, but the comments to my article below showed that maybe I do.

I think every day of the lady who wrote me last week. Just about every morning I wake up thinking about her. I could tell she was weeping as she wrote me, telling me she couldn't go back to AA anymore because she felt like a failure, she couldn't bear it, but she still couldn't stop drinking. I hope she's still out there and still reading this, because there are entire books written by, entire national organizations created for, women who were failed by AA who went on to recover through alternative methods. This sort of thing is a struggle, and AA is not the only answer, and maybe not even the best answer.

By the way, I have a therapist who has been sober 15 years. She doesn't do AA, and she divorced her husband in part because 12-stepping came to define his life and become an utter obsession with him.

Yes, there is a dark side to AA. People need to know this. I've seen it before, and I saw it all at play again last night.

I worry about saying all this because I worry that I may encourage people in recovery to stay away from tools that might help them, or encourage people who have a problem to avoid seeking help. But the more time goes on, the more I also worry that people may be destroyed by the belief that AA is the only option, or "the only thing that works," as so many 12-steppers will tell you.

It is not the only thing that works.

By the way, if you're a woman struggling with addiction, I strongly encourage you to read this. Ditto if you know any woman with a problem who's struggling in a 12-step program. 12-step programs do not always help people, but other things can.

* Update 2 * You might also want to read all the reviews of this book.

I went to my first AA meeting last night.

I believe it may have been my last.

Don't worry. I'm still sober. For the longest I have been in over 2 years.

Maybe when I hit day 30 I'll explain that in more detail. Right now it would be a little foolish of me to say much more. 8 days sober isn't enough. But AA isn't the only answer. In fact, I know that it isn't, because I've talked to too many people.

It can save lives. But it's far from the be-all, end-all. Even Bill W. admitted as much.

Still clean.

Still clean. Getting better.

Had an exceptionally profitable session today.

Comments still closed for now. Thanks for understanding.

Have an important appointment with a treatment advisor today.

Don't much want to talk about it now. But you deserve to know all is well and getting better.

Still clean. Not wanting anything else but.

The dog's getting better. Looks like osteoarthritis and a kidney problem that can be fixed with dietary changes and medicine. Which he's getting. He also has heartworm. We are still trying to decide how to proceed with that one.

Car's fixed.

I'm getting fixed. We're getting fixed.

A friend recently complained that I'm being too cryptic in public. Sorry. This has been incredibly draining. In a good way, but still. It's going to be okay. Been sleeping a lot, and eating. Watershed week and all that. Humiliating, humbling, life-affirming.

Still sober.

I'm busy writing a lot of thank-you notes and making some phone calls, and talking to new friends. If you haven't heard from me, you probably will soon. I need to be online. The friends I make here mean as much to me as friends I make any other way.

Am closing off comments and trackbacks on this, but if you haven't heard from me, you will.

Thank you again.

I am still overwhelmed. I don't even know where to begin responding. I wasn't even going to say anymore, just read it all and think about it. But I feel I have to say more.

It's not just the comments. I got hundreds of emails. People offering me their phone numbers and their friendship, many who I've never even met. Comments and links from everywhere, even from people I thought couldn't stand me, all with so many kind and supportive words. 158 of you hit the tip jar. I've never seen anything like it in my entire life.

I won't get all gushy or Arnold Harris will kick my butt. But I can, I will, never forget this.

Nor will I let you down.

I may be offline for a little while. Maybe. Either way, I'll be back. Weblogging is an addiction I have no intention of giving up.

I mean, it may just have saved my life. Go figure.

Rosemary had a tooth crack in half last night.

If a meteor would just come crashing through our roof, our week would be complete.

Yes. That's a joke. I can still do that.

We're going to be okay.

My God. I feel like George Bailey.

Thank you all. I don't even know what to say.

We are in a crisis. Financial, emotional and physical. I am a proud woman. I don't like to ask for help. In fact, I hate to ask for help.

We are leaving for the animal hospital shortly. I may spend more than we can afford but I can't worry about that right now. I will worry later. We are looking at $5K to help get us out of where alcoholism and bad luck has put us.

If you feel inclined to hit the tip jar, we would deeply appreciate any help. Even if it is only a dollar or two. No amount would be too small. I am humbled by all the offers we have had for help.

Thank you all so much. The words of support mean more than you could possibly know.

We do what we do online because we love it. We appreciate that you are here with us. It makes it worth it. It really does.

Thank You.

Damn it. He just won't stop. Touch him and he shrieks.

Damn it. God fucking damn it.

He has to be put down. God damn it, I hate this shit. Hate it.

It must be done. I just hate it.

Hate it.

**Update**
We suspect it's Cancer. I am out of town and I'm on my way home now. We have a lot of stuff to deal with right now. Say a prayer for our family, if you are so inclined. We need it . Thank you.
---Rosemary

I am. I need booze. And I have trouble stopping. Big time.

I can't stop. It's affecting my life, and I can't stop.

Damn it.

How pathetic is it that I share this with you publicly?

I can't stop. What's wrong with me?

He keeps crying.

He'll just be sitting there, and then suddenly starts whining and yelping. No one is touching him, nothing is happening. He'll just suddenly put out his head and start yelping.

2-3 times per day. Yelping, shrieking.

We probably have to put him down. It's probably hip dysplasia, but aspirin doesn't seem to help.

I don't have the money to spend on veterinary medicine. But he won't stop crying.

Damn it.

Life sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

**Update**

Jake and I are coming home. We will do whatever it takes to help our baby. Even if it means ending his suffering.[sniff, sniff] We owe that much to him. He's been a wonderful pet and we won't fail him now because of money. We won't.
---Rosemary