It's an old ritual: My name is Dean, and I am an alcoholic. I have been sober for nine days.
Where we will go from that beginning, I am not sure. But I've drawn you all into my story of addiction, and I've decided to keep you as part of the story for now. That wasn't my plan, but in repayment for all of your tremendous faith in me, your support for me and my family in this private-turned-public struggle, I am going to continue to share my story with you.
There is a selfish motive. By sharing it with you all so openly, I sense that it will help me. I also have a hope, or a notion anyway, that by doing so, others may be helped. For, among the hundreds of letters I've received on this subject, some have been from others who are suffering and trying to get this same problem under control yet still cannot.
I feel that I am engaged in a fight for my life and my sanity and, most important of all, my family. That being the case, I intend to use any and every weapon I can. If the spear won't work, the bow might. If the bow doesn't, the knife might. If the knife won't, the gun might. If the gun won't, judo might.
So, periodically, not necessarily daily, I will discuss my struggle, my fight. I will discuss everything except private matters that pass between me and my wife and son which are no one's business but ours. Those shall remain private, except for whatever she might choose to make public. That will be her choice.
So. To start. What happened to me?
I am not, as a rule, an angry drunk, and am very, very rarely violent. The worst temper tantrum I ever had in the entire 8 years I've been with Rosemary ended with me slamming a door so hard I broke it off its hinges. That was several years ago. Beyond that, when I become angry, I merely get snarly, and I'm usually quite sober when that happens. Indeed, I tend to be more surly and temperamental when not drinking.
Drinking, you see, puts me into a gentle, relaxed, mildly gregarious fog, and rarely anything else. Oh, there are exceptions here and there, but if you've ever seen me lose my temper, nine times out of ten I am stone sober. I've even had more than one person tell me that I am far more fun to be around when drinking.
I've had several people tell me that, in fact.
So for the longest time, I put concerns about drinking away. Though such concerns have nagged at me for several years, I was showing up at work, I was making the grades at school, and I was finding ways to relax and deal with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune and still function.
Then again, I reached a point some time in the middle of last year that I often couldn't sleep without having something to drink. Many days, just to get started, I needed an eye-opener before work. But I continued to function. Kept showing up for work, kept getting the school work done, kept the GPA up. Didn't spend my nights carousing, just sat at home, played video games with my son, played on my weblog. Some nights drank a little, some nights a lot, but kept to my primary obligations.
I sought the services of a therapist last year to help with coping strategies for stress. But I was afraid to tell her about the drinking, so nothing really got better, and I stopped going.
The last last few years we've been more or less struggling as a family. I've been dealing with full-time work at a job I don't like, making about half what I was three years ago. I've also been dealing with full-time school, which I honestly loathe. The combination of these two things have left me rather despondent at times. I often remind myself that there are people who would kill to be as well off as I am, people living in mounds of garbage, people dying of horrible diseases, and so on. I always try to remember that. Yet the stresses have often seemed unbearable, and my buddy alcohol was always there to soothe my nerves.
Stresses started mounting to a near-intolerable level a few months ago, in December 2003. Rosemary had health problems which culminated in her quitting her job before Christmas. Which I don't mind a bit, as I love having her at home, but bills began mounting, and in response, instead of cutting back on the drinking habit, I drank more, and started smoking again, which cost still more money.
Then, my car developed an oil leak. When I realized it, I refilled the oil and bought a bottle of one of those oil-leak sealers, hoping that it would fix it. That night, on my way to work, the oil pan fell out of the bottom of the car, and before I realized what had happened, first one then another cylinder seized up, and the engine froze. Such problems cannot be repaired short of replacing the engine, and on a rusted out car with over 150,000 miles on it, the cost would have been prohibitive and questionable regardless. So we were down to one car.
The other car, with about 130,000 miles on it, needed a new exhaust, new tires, and had developed a problem with stuttering and stalling, even though it had just had a tune-up and new spark plugs and wires a few months previously.
I got bad grades in two classes in a row. Of course, my idea of a "bad grade" is a B, but it was particularly infuriating because it was in subjects where I knew as much or more than the instructor--computer networking, which I used to teach for a living, and in which I have several certifications. I even got up and taught part of the class for the instructor, but it mattered not; I didn't jump through all his hoops exactly the way he wanted, and was downgraded accordingly.
This only added fuel to my ongoing resentment of undergrad education in the United States, proving to me once again that academia is not about knowledge. In response to this particular frustration, not to mention a job I fairly well despise, I drank more, and smoked more heavily, and tried not to think about it.
Recently, my mother has been struggling with financial and health problems. I also had several rather loud arguments with my father, whom I've never gotten along with. In response to these stresses too, I drank more, and smoked more heavily.
The dog had been having on and off health problems for the last couple of years. Aspirin and some other things made him somewhat better. But then my wife decided to take a few days off to go and visit with her mother, to get away from it all. I found myself alone in the house, lonely as hell, the future looking rather unappetizing. I decided that first morning to call in sick, went out, and bought a 5-liter bottle of cheap wine.
Although we were to the point where we had little money left in the bank, over the next three days, from about noon on Monday until about noon on Thursday, I never stopped drinking. I would drink what I had until I passed out, wake up, drink some more to clear the hangover, then go buy more when I ran out, telling myself that THAT would be my last trip to the store.
My estimate is that it came to a total of about 25 liters of cheap wine rated at between 9 and 13% alcohol content, plus a few gallons of malt liquor ranging from about 6% to about 9% alcohol by volume. All in about 3 days' time. About $150 we didn't have, all for booze and smokes.
Most of that time, I didn't feel particularly drunk. Just a nice buzz on. Yes, I was drinking that much, and most of the time I was functional, which should tell you something about just how high my alcohol tolerance has grown over the last few years. In fact I wrote several lengthy and rather lucid essays on this weblog while drinking that heavily. Then I'd go get sauced some more and pass out.
I woke up around 6AM on Thursday the 26th from another passout. A quiet, insistent, and absolutely certain thought ran through my mind:
"If you don't stop drinking, you are going to die."
But I couldn't stop. I got up and kept drinking.
Then the dog, who's had minor but manageable health problems until now, suddenly started shrieking and yelping and simply would not stop. There was no money for a vet, no money for anything, I was all alone, and I was still quite noticeably drunk.
No money to fix the one remaining car. Just blew money we didn't have by getting drunk and feeling sorry for myself. And now a sick family member--and yes, Buttons is a family member.
I gave him some aspirin, massaged him until he calmed down. Called the wife, posted on the weblog, drank some of my remaining wine, and passed out again.
I woke up around noon. My wife was home, and obviously unhappy with me. I looked at the remaining half-bottle of wine, perhaps two and a half liters of it left. Alone in my bedroom, I stared at it. Sniffed it. Stood up and walked to the bathroom. Took a final swig from it, swishing it around in my mouth, tasting it, feeling the sting of the alcohol in my mouth. Swallowed and felt it burn as it went down.
Upended the bottle over the sink, and listened to the rest of it bloop and swish down the drain. Turned on the water to rinse out the sink. Went out and told my wife I was done, that I was going to stop, that I had to stop. Went back to bed.
When I woke a few hours later, she told me what she had posted on the weblog. I was embarassed, but said nothing. I knew I'd made an ass of myself already, and couldn't make myself face the weblog. We got the dog to a doctor, started working on getting him treated. I could barely look my wife or anyone else in the face. But we got him to the vet. Then we went home, and I went back to bed.
When I got up, Rosemary told me about all your comments, and about everything you people had done, but I could barely face it. I mostly spent time resting, and just being with Rosemary and Jacob.
My hands didn't stop shaking until Friday afternoon.
I did not stop smelling of alcohol until around Sunday, despite several showers.
But I knew I didn't want to die.
I'm still not sure how I feel about some of what's happened since that last drink on Thursday, February 26, 2004. I left home when I was 15 years old, and in most of the intervening 22 years, I have refused to ask others for help. Not for anything major, anyway. Yet it appears that a sick dog, a weblog, and hundreds of people I have never met may well have worked together to wake me up in time to save my life.
I am working with a hypnotherapist who has been tremendously helpful to me. I am also working with a substance abuse counselor, a Ph.D. psychologist with 15 years of sobriety herself. I've done one AA meeting, in which I saw many negative things and some positive things. I have been reading, quite voraciously, on the subject of addiction treatment and recovery. I have been talking, and corresponding voluminously, with people from all walks of life and all sorts of perspectives on these things.
What comes next? Well, I suppose that if you're interested, you'll want to stay tuned. I'll keep posting here to let you all know how it goes. For now, the car's fixed, the dog's fixed, the bills are paid, I'm sober and recovering.
Despite my earlier comments, I will probably attend a few more AA meetings. I am not hopeful about it, because I do not believe that 12-step programs contain the answer for me--and no, I do not believe I am "in denial," I simply do not believe it is the be-all, end-all of answers for everyone. I do believe that their program has helped millions, but I think--in fact, I know--it has failed many others, and I do not believe they are all at fault for that failure.
If I end my journey with AA, so be it. But I will not start with the assumption that that is where I will end this fight. This may cause some of you some consternation, but I know many of you are pulling for me regardless, and I draw incredible strength from that. I pledge honesty to you, for if I am going to share my journey with you, then honesty is my most important weapon of all--and the most precious coin I have in this strange arrangement between you and me and the bottle.
We'll see what comes next.
Dean, please read this post. I know that it feels like the whole world is on your head right now, but you're not alone.
This is the right thing to do, finding help. It's going to be a tough fight but you can do it.
James
Big hugs and kisses to you and Rose and the little man and the dog. That took a lot of heart and courage. Amazing.
Wow, just wow. 9 days, great job. :)
Keep goin'. Day by day, and don't fret about next month or next year. They'll come when they come.
BTW, take long walks. Good for your health, and you'll have less time to think about drinking.
Dean,
I am very, very proud of you! You look great and I am amazed at the change in attitude and appearance. You can do this and You have three great reasons to, Rosemary, the son and your dog... The rest will fall into place.
Dean,
Commenting on two of your posts : firstly, nice to know that the wife has a smile on her face again :-) ( No 1 in a Series )
More pertinently to this post can I recommend Stanton Peele ? I read his book " The Diseasing of America " a few years back. His basic point is that AA is not the only, possibly not even the best, way of either dealing with or recovering from alcoholism. Strongly recommend the book.
Good luck with the drink thing and don't forget, if you do fall off the wagon it is NOT the end of the world. You can always dust yourself off and try again, for just as it is the coward who struggles, and succeeds in overcoming their cowardice who is the brave man, so it is that those of us who struggle to overcome our shortcomings are the true heroes.
Tim
There is a selfish motive. By sharing it with you all so openly, I sense that it will help me.
We know. We understand. We agree.
Dean, I am very pleased to read that you hit your realization with something left in the bottle. The symbolic act of pouring it out can be very important. Altho my situation was very different, pouring that spider out was a declaration, as was throwing out half a pack when my father-in-law quit smoking.
I am more confident than ever that you are in this for keeps.
Great step forward. I also post about my struggles with the same issue. Find in yourself that you deserve to be sober. When you fall down get back up. I had to fall down many times before I found out how to stand. Each time I learned something about myself and why I was struggling. I also found AA to be lacking, yet I did attend for two years, and it did help a lot durring that time. You probably cannot do it yourself. Find help where you can. Your family may need as much help as you do. Keep up the fight, you deserve to live life as it was ment to be lived.
I am one of those who posted that I thought you were denying a few things (although I didn't use that word 'denial', not liking the baggage that it has).
This post clarifies things a great deal, as does the information about your history with AA. It is possible that AA is not the best avenue for you for that very reason. The worry, though, is that you will reject AA because it doesn't help everybody, or because it pushes this or that, etc, and then you will reject the next program because it does something else, etc.
My definition of an alcoholic is someone who suffers and inflicts harm because of drinking, and who drinks anyway. You certainly fit that description, as did I at one point in my life.
Recognizing that is a huge first step. Huge. But it is only the first step. The next one is doing something about it.
BTW: I can empathize with the change in income levels. I'm making about half what I was a year ago, and my wife was unjustly shoved out of her job (it's a long story). Things have been beyond tight around here. There are, I suspect, a lot of us in this particular boat.
Dear Dean:
You're a hero. I've been hailing the Queen a lot, but I MUST say also: HAIL TO THE KING!!!! You are the King, and a true Warrior.
Six hours at a time. 12 hours at a time. One day at a time.
A wise man once told me that "success is just steady progress toward a worthy goal."
Dean, you're a success.
P.S. Hmmmm. February 26? Does this mean that I'm not Always Wrong About Everything?
Somehow I know what your answer will be.
:^)
Dean - Your honesty in these posts, concerning what you're going through, is commendable. I get the feeling that alot of individuals are rooting for you. May their support, and your attitude, lift you when you have times when you want to pack it in and fall back into old habits.
Dean I am very proud of you too if that offers you much at this present time in your walk in sobriety.
Perhaps your Mother loved the AA program for the many good things the steps offered along with all the good people she met along the way. When you said she loves it I thought how too maybe it may have just been *her* personal saving grace perhaps when she was married to your father or perhaps she found some *tools* within the program that enabled her to *walk* a little easier in her lifetime, her era was Not at all as *Open* as yours, and maybe since she is not feeling well, she is perhaps a bit fearful & I believe once you said she lives alone so in knowing that, being a Mother she wants to offer you *HOPE* in the only way she knows how under her present condition as only most mothers can.
We give you roots and give we give you Wings.
Being a Mom and a Grandma I can tell you we look back and wonder what we did and what we contributed to cause our children harm. I imagine your Mom is feeling those things and gave her best advice, we don't know Dean her story is not finished yet and we are all here for you...Yours is just Beginning along with Rosemary, your Wife and little Jacob too!
Blessings on this Sunday and good days are coming for you kid...
I feel that I am engaged in a fight for my life and my sanity and, most important of all, my family. That being the case, I intend to use any and every weapon I can. If the spear won't work, the bow might. If the bow doesn't, the knife might. If the knife won't, the gun might. If the gun won't, judo might.
And Dean, it's teeth and nails when all else fails. I'm prouder of you than I have words to write with, but suffice it to say that I've goosebumps on my arms as I write this.
Atta boy.
Atta boy.
Dean, I put my thoughts on one of the things AA asks on making a list regarding people we have encounted in our walk here under your post March6 about..
AA Skeptcism you may find of interest, and maybe even Rosemary as AlAnon uses this same step. These steps can be useful perhaps as I mentioned as in running a small business.
Good evening Sir and I just think what you are doing is wonderful and as you can see, many many people are touched and even hve goose bumps.
Roots and Wings...
March 6 AA Skepticism, I believe I am the last postee, so you wont have to read through the whole again and you may find it useful to look at making a list in different light...(uumh seems one of my kids use to sneak a flashlight underneath the covers at night when he was suppose to be sleeping..sigh ..aah)...isn't it funny how we think of those lil' things long after our kids are grown up men with kids of their own...you will too Dean and Rosemary, you will too!!!
I have no quarrel with anyone seeking a different path to a place I've had pretty good luck reaching. If your path gets you here, great.
I am somewhat concerned about the idea that you can return to moderate drinking. Is it possible? Sure. Hell, anything's possible in a cartoon. Anything's possible in this great big world, too.
Before this last stint of sobriety I had decided I was able to drink after a period of some years. It didn't work out. Obviously I'm not you. If you decide, after some time, to try drinking in moderation, you might pull it off. My question: why try? What's the upside? What possible harm can come from not drinking? It's your risk to take. I would submit that there are plenty of unavoidable risks in life. Ah, well, that's a decision for down the line, isn't it?
Dean,
You’ve hit it quite squarely on the head- it’s about honesty at root. I understand (and share to some degree) your ambivalence towards AA, but I understand that the whole “powerless” meme usually is a lever employed to force honesty upon those who are still too proud to see things clearly. If you can remain honest about what is happening and what you are doing about it, you’ll be okay. And if posting here is one way to keep that focus, then God bless the weblog.
We’re all pulling for you- you know that.
John
One manifestation of the "powerlessness" meme is when you realize that your best thinking got you there. For me this was a truly staggering realization - a moment of complete and incomprehensible demoralization. For me,a dangerous control freak, this was an absolute necessity and it was impossible for me to let go of my addiction to alcohol until this had happened. "Let go and let God" is good advice regardless of what you think God might be.
Judging from what you're saying you're figuring it out. I can tell you from experience that things will get better and "you will be amazed before you are halfway through".
And yeah - old AA hands will note that I quote the Big Book - often incorrectly- but it has worked for me.
One thing that hasn't been mentioned a lot is that us recovering drunks have an awful lot of fun. I thought I was having fun before, but nothing like my life is now. Keep up the good work! Aloha, Hunt
P.S. Don't forget rule 43 - or was it 47?
Moderation is one of many options I am considering. Moderation Management is a rather rigorous program and has been proven effective in many cases. Much is made of the fact that the movement's founder wound up killing some people in a DUI. What is not pointed out is that she had resigned from the movement and had joined AA and had been in AA for some time when she did that.
The MM approach is really rather rigorous. It requires starting with a lengthy period of sobriety. Then the drinker must set fairly strict limits. The basic limit is 14 servings of alcohol per week, with a maximum of no more than 4 servings in any 24 hour period--and those are not goals, they are limits. Drinking less than the limits is encouraged.
The drinker is required to keep a journal, and write down with every drink why he is drinking, whether he wants another, why he wants another, and what the cost in health, finance, and threat to safety would be if he were to have another. If he exceeds the limit, the next day he must journal and examine why, and is encouraged to discuss it in his support group.
I've corresponded with a few MM people who, after years of daily alcohol consumption, have reached a point where they rarely drink at all, perhaps a few times a year, and never to the point of drunkenness. Which I would have to say is a rather positive thing, wouldn't you?
The MM people claim that about 40% of those in their program wind up deciding that they simply cannot handle moderation and, after experimenting, wind up choosing complete abstention. Some wind up moving on to AA, which the program says is fine, but some stay within the MM support group as abstainers trying to help others find the right path for themselves.
In any case, MM categorically and utterly rejects the notion that the problem drinker is powerless or helpless before alcohol.
If the question is asked "why drink at all, what's the benefit?" there are, really, two answers. Their basic argument: moderate drinkers live longer.
Some people find lifelong denial of something they enjoy simply unbearable. MM advocates point to cases where people find 5, 10, 15 or more years of sobriety in AA, then one day crack, go on a horrible bender, and hurt themselves or someone else badly, or never manage to find their way back to sobriety at all.
Any of you who have been in AA long enough have seen this happen. Don't tell me you haven't because I know you have. How did you react? Well you either tried to help the person back or, if you failed at that, you simply accepted the AA credo that alcohol is so powerful it sometimes destroys people and that, well, they aren't at fault, it's the disease.
The MM philosophy would say that AA caused that bender in the first place, by teaching the alcoholic that he is powerless, and by failing to give him any tools besides guilt and desperation to make him stop.
MM claims that by teaching the drinker the tools of self-control, by teaching the addict self-confidence and discipline and emphasizing that he is NOT powerless, that he CAN learn control, they are avoiding this exact scenario of the out-of-control abstainer going completely nuts and possibly winding up divorced, dead, or in jail.
So. AA would say that MM is making the drinker more likely to drink. MM would say that AA is making the drinker far more likely to go on an out-of-control, destructive bender, and to give up in despair.
The MM theory is that in at least some cases, it's those years of denial that finally cause the person to crack, and then when he does crack he has no coping skills at all--he has no brakes, nothing to make him want to stop except the feelings of guilt for breaking AA rules. MM advocates point out that, in fact, all the AA literature would lead the alcoholic to believe that he is powerless, can't stop himself, that there's something fundamentally wrong with him, so once he does cut loose he is far more likely to drink to horrifyingly dangerous levels. AA, after all, has taught him that he is powerless. AA has even told him, at every single meeting, that those who fail at AA are constitutionally incapable of honesty, and so the AA member who falls off the wagon, while he's drinking, constantly has this fearful, despairing, negative voice in his head, making it easy for him to tell himself that he's out of control, that he can't be in control, and that he might possibly never be in control because apparently he is fundamentally incapable of honesty.
You guys constantly tell each other, "We all have one more relapse in us, but do we have one more recovery?" Has it ever occurred to you that this is exactly what's going through the relapser's mind, and that in his despair he might just say, "I'll never recover again," and surrender to the booze?
You've told him he's powerless, after all. You've told him a million times, and you've even given him an easy out: you've told him at every meeting that some people can never recover.
MM says that you AA folks, while you may help many achieve sobriety, you are actually making things one hell of a lot worse for people who fall off the wagon than you need to, filling their heads with unnecessary pessimism and unnecessary feelings of helplessness.
Are they right? Hell I don't know. But that's what they say.
Having talked to some MM support people, I must tell you that a number of them are AA refugees who say they've had their drinking under control for years now since starting on the MM approach--no longer drink to excess, hold steady jobs, have good marriages, and feel infinitely better about themselves than they did in AA. To a man, they almost all say the same thing: they truly hated the way AA constantly taught them that they were powerless before alcohol.
Which gets me back to something else: everyone keeps assuming the spiritual aspect of AA is what bugs me. It isn't. It's that whole "powerless" motif that I hate so much, and the rather cultish "if you fail it's because you're constitutionally incapable of honesty" bit. Perhaps that helps some people, but I believe it hurts others.
In fact, let me talk some more about Women For Sobriety. Obviously, I cannot join their group. But anyway, unlike MM, the WFS folks take the same position as AA: lifelong abstention is the only acceptable solution. I won't quibble with that. I won't quibble with that because they may be right.
But what Jean Kirkpatrick believed--and this after spending years struggling with AA and still constantly falling off the wagon--was that the AA approach is well-suited to some people, but is absolute anethema to others. She noted that women fail at AA at twice the rate that men do. Now why is that, she wondered? The assumption for decades was that women were simply more easily addicted to booze and harder to treat, or were somehow less disciplined than men. Her theory was different: she came to believe that the 12 steps were harmful to women, and she set out to prove it.
Her belief was that while some people need to come to accept the "powerless" belief in order to confront their problems, others drank for completely different reasons. She noted that some people, especially women, drink because they already feel powerless, guilty, and helpless.
If you're drinking because you feel powerless, guilty, and helpless, then ask yourself: what the fuck is the appeal of the 12 steps? You drink to escape these feelings of powerlesness, guilt, and dependency on others, you start to feel out of control on alcohol, and there's this group that wants to help you. But what are they peddling?
Powerlesness, guilt, and dependency on others. And a lot of them decide they'd rather stay drunk instead.
Now you AA folks, those of you who have achieved sobriety, can sit there and say, "no, no, no, that's not it at all! AA gives hope!" But it's you who aren't getting it. You struggled through the program on your own terms and eventually found hope through it, but you didn't start drinking in the first place because you felt guilty and powerless and dependent.
Imagine if you are a miserable person who drinks to escape feelings of helplessness, dependence on others. What the hell do they tell you in your first AA meeting? That you're helpless, powerless, and dependent--and that in order to escape alcohol, you must make yourself feel even more powerless, and make yourself dependent upon the AA group!
Do you not see that as insidious? Kirkpatrick did. This is exactly why she eventually left AA. AA couldn't help her find permanent sobriety, so she constructed a group based on principles exactly the opposite of AA principles. Their "13 affirmations," which replace the 12 steps, are almost all the exact opposite: they teach their members that they are NOT powerless, that they should NOT feel guilty, that they do NOT owe others amends or reparations, that they DESERVE to be happy, that they DESERVE good lives, and so on.
But first and foremost, they teach them that they are not powerless.
Whereas what you guys do, from day one, and at every single meeting, start by telling people they're powerless.
---
I'll tell you something about me and AA: While I don't need WFS' "affirmations," I don't need the 12 steps either. In fact, I just damn well hate the 12 steps, and no, I will not surrender myself to them, just shut up and accept 'em. If you keep telling me that, then I'll keep out of your meetings, because I honestly think I'd prefer to drink.
I have spent many, many, many years of my life feeling very guilty about things, feeling very worthless, feeling quite powerless against an uncaring universe. It took me many years of self-development to reject that thinking, and there is no fucking way in hell I'm going to start going into AA meetings and making lists of terrible things I've done, people I owe apologies to, or, most especially, start telling myself I'm powerless.
Fuck that. No way, no how, nuh-uh. Won't happen. While I may not be as fragile as some, I'm telling you right now, if I have to start telling myself I'm powerless before alcohol, I'll be out of the meetings and into the bar before you can say "Bill W."
If I do AA, it's with the goal of finding people who can give me thoughts and insights into how to deal with feeling bored, how to deal with cravings--and the minute a sponsor starts trying to tell me that I have to face up to the fact that I'm powerless, I get a new sponosr, or I quit the meetings. Because that is not what I need.
10 days sober. I haven't gone more than 48 hours in 3 years. My first AA meeting was two days ago, and I hated it. I'll try another, I will, but every time I hear that I'm powerless, every time I hear that people who fail at AA are "constitutionally incapable of honesty," I cringe, hard, and want to walk out the door.
Friends I can use. Helplesness I can't.
Dean,
AA is not for everyone. It is not the only way to resolve a drinking problem. My mother became a raging alcholic in her fifties, due to an extreme amount of stress and social pressures. My dad lost his job, they lost their home and their so-called friends. Mom could not handle it all.
Mom never went to AA, but a good therapist, and stopped drinking once she worked out ways to reduce the incredible stree she suffered.
In her later years, Mom could have a glass of wine at dinner, and have absolutely no further desire or need for a second and third drink, etc.
Many people who are believers in AA are completely unable to acknowledge that there are different ways to heal. So, know that at least my family supports whatever choice you make. I know that you will be fine.
Wish you lived around here, the company I work for would love your experience!
I am awake early as my Mr. Pips(my 1 1/2 yr.old cat) was stirring around making too much making noise. We are missing little Tasha, our buddy and pal kitten, 3 yr. old cat that slipped away and has not returned. Me and Mr. Pips have not slept to well since she ran off...tears :( We really love her & miss her so very much, she always sits by me when I type here,... sigh. :(
I want you to find what ever works for you Dean. It does sound negative when you hear I am powerless over alcohol. I do not want to be powerless over anything. If a doctor came in and told me I had asthma and I was powerless over that without my inhalher then I could do something about it. I would feel better knowing I could take medication, buy an air purifer, spray my inhaler, keep the quality of my enviorment clean and stay away from smoke and read up on vitamins for allergies. If he told me I had cancer, same thing, I would take the chemo., and other medication, read up on it, take anti-oxdants and do what I could to make it better. If I am told by the doctor I am an alcoholic, I must stop drinking and then he says, and you are powerless over alcohol. Woah...wait a minute. That is a step in an AA program what in the heck does it have to do with alcohol? Unless he said, your liver is bad, your heart, you are on the verge of diabetes due to all the sugar in the alcohol then aahhh...
So I really do understand your refusal to accept this word about powerless. We are not powerless over things most of the time. There are some things we do have to accept tho' Sometimes the doctor will tell you something can not be cured and people, the patient has turned it around.
I have a magazine taped on my refrigerator of Lance Armstrong. He is a cyclist, he was told he could never ride the bibycle again once they found cancer. He grew extremely sick with his cancer and his family thought they might lose Lance. Lance went through the chemotherapy and then, the rest is history. He has won many gold for the United States. Then there was Michael Landon and he too was told he had cancer and he was powerless, Michael gave a good fight and he lost that battle and you know the rest.
I believe the powerlessness means that during the times a person was drinking the booze took their better judgement so one drink begat another, begat another, begat another and so on.
I remember once you mentioned and it was funny that the 'vodka flowed as freely as the polish' so knowing that is part of the traditions then maybe the moderation would seem a better thought for you, down the road and that is understandable for you do have a large and loving family there Dean. Maybe you can do that in time, only you know that. I know you are absolutely NOT helpless but MOST of all SO DO YOU. It is your life and you are such a wonderful person. You are helping people to recover Dean. Did you see where a man by the name of Bill who is retired that decided to quit drinking because you encouraged him?
You see Dean, when we sometimes hit a bottom of sorts, and then we get up and it's kinda shaky and you were kinda shaky...your hands were a shaking. Well, you got up. You posted. You shared, You helped others. You went through hell here on earth.
My son in Washington state uses meditation to help him through some health problems and he knows how to self hypnotise now. He meditates and has guided others through it. He along with his wife will be teaching their methods to others to help them in their healing. He struggled with addictions as well, and is free of them.
I certainly do not want to push anything at you nor in giving you my ideas of what a list might be did I mean for it to be anything other than a healing process for you or maybe members in your family where old wounds could be healed if there were any to be healed, or new roads to travel when we do look back at things maybe we could have done a bit better so I referenced it such as in a small business to serve our customers so our future business would run more successfully.
Do know my heart is in the right place for you and your family and Mr. Pips says hi too. I sure wish Tasha would come home but I fear she is gone for good, she is an indoor kitten and I am sure being outside scared her terribly. I pray someone found her and gave her a good home...tears
Good post Dean. You have (I thought you would) connected the dots and seen the picture that appears. Much more fun to draw freehand. You will find and use what works for you. It will work. Not because of 'it'. Because of you.
Well Dean, at ten days sober I guess you know more about the problem than a couple of million other drunks.;)
I've known lots of people, including myself, who thought they could re-write the big book early on in sobriety. I'm looking forward to you celebrating your first month and year. Use whatever works for you and just don't drink for a while.
Aloha, Hunt
Wir sein alle pettler.
O Blessed Jesus, since you minister to all who are afflicted, look with compassion on those who through addiction have lost their health and freedom. Restore to them the assurance of your unfailing mercy, remove the fears that attack them, strengthen them in the recovery of their self-possession and health, and give skill, patience, and understanding love to those who provide care for them; for your mercy's sake.
One thing you may not hear at the meetings you're going to is, go to a LOT of different meetings. A.A. can get kind of clique-ish in it's own right. Everyone thinks their home group is best, the way their group presents the program is best, the way they work the steps is best, the way they set up their meeting is best. There are as many different ways to do this thing as there are A.A. folks in the rooms.
As far as sponsors go, I've always adhered to the premise of, "Try to find one with at least a year away from their last drink, and try to find someone who seems to be honestly enjoying their sobriety." You know, the guy that's laughing and scratching and pretty much not caring what other folks think about him. Find a guy who's willing to take you through the steps. And you know what, the guy who's laughing and having a good time will probably bring them up before you do.
As for Moderation Management and other "modalities of recovery other than abstinance." If I could drink normally, I wouldn't think about quitting now would I?
Hunt: I don't think I "know more," but I've sure studied a lot.
I gotta tell ya, I keep getting email from people with 10 or more years of sobriety that are being very, very encouraging. I also keep getting mail from people who are struggling who thank me for pointing to the alternatives because AA makes them uncomfortable. Maybe all that work will pan out and some will end up in AA after failing at the alternatives--or maybe the alternatives will work for them.
Just doing this is, so far, therapeutic to me. Just studying the issue is keeping me sober.
Of course I also went to an AA meeting today that made me nearly cry I felt so inspired by some of the people there. Woof. I'll probably post about it later. I was blown away by this small little group I visited today. These were Bill W.'s children, well and truly, and if you could call AA a miracle, it was there in that room. Holy cow. I mean, holy cow. I can't go back to those people, but holy cow.
Dean--
Probably the difference between your experience and mine was that I took it to the point that it was VERY clear to me that I had as much power over alcohol as I have over gravity.
Non-alcoholics will not understand that statement, or think it funny, as their experience is quite different. An alcoholic who has taken things to the point where AA can help them will have a good idea what I'm talking about.
The question for you, Dean, is whether you've gone that far, yet, or if you have, whether you can accept it, yet. If the answer is no to the first, one of those other programs may well work. If the answer is no only to the second....
No advice to give Dean, except keep sharing your story.
Wow. Dean, you have my respect. Not for having been weak, but for tramping around that weakness in an effort to find its exact size and shape, with the intent of not letting it have you any more. And for bringing it out; that's smart. Because the one thing nearly all alcoholics have in common is they lie about it. My mother's a D&A councelor (still, post-retirement) and that's (distilled) a good chunk of what she has to say on the subject.
I've seen some people take AA and have it save them, and I've seen other people who are sobered but otherwise obliterated by it. I hope you find the path that leads you back to yourself, only sober.
Regards,
Slart