Dean, you keep this up, we're going to have to write a country song about you... ;-)

Seriously, get help. Call AA, do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You have hundreds if not thousands of people out here who will support you...

Dean -

You've got mail.

This is rather unexpected, Dean. Pathetic in that it inspires compassion, very. I don't use pathetic in the sense of pity. It sounds like you're not into self-pity overmuch.

You must have heard this already; the first step toward resolution is admission.

No offense intended here; yes you can. Though I am not implying that you should. You can. You have trouble stopping, but you can. You can.

I'm speaking from experience. I went through alcohol-fueled events for years before I did what I needed to do to get my drinking under control. Those years must have been tough for my friends and I didn't lose one of them for the experience.

Congratulations. If we were all in the habit of publicizing our personal challenges and demons we would all be better off for having done so. It leads to resolution.

I'm with Brett. Realizing that there is a problem is the first (and most important) step to dealing with it.

On to step 2.

Dean:

What Brian said.

And I am one of those hundreds if not thousands, my friend. I'm there for you any time you need me.

Brett -

You say "If we were all in the habit of publicizing our personal challenges and demons we would all be better off for having done so. It leads to resolution."

God, thank you so much for that. I myself needed to hear it today!

Dean - I'm here if you need me.

Dean, not pathetic at all but brave. As others have said, realising you have a problem is a crucial first step in correcting it. AA comes highly recommended.

All the best wishes for you and your family in this difficult time.

First time writer, long time reader. You've acknowledged it. There are people praying. You will beat it.

First time writer, long time reader. You've acknowledged it. There are people praying. You will beat it.

There are lots of addictions. You're fortunate for realizing yours. Oddly enough, just this week out of the blue, I was talking to someone who explained the difference between AA and AV to me. AAnon uses a "greater power" that could be anything supernatural. AVictorious uses God/Jesus as the "greater power". Basically, its a Christian version of AA (which I understand to be religious-neutral). Its also national.

I pray that you don't lose clarity, that you don't talk yourself out of seeing the problem later. I pray that you find the strength to deal with your problems. I pray that you find comfort for your grief about losing your friend. I pray Rosemary finds patience and strength, that Jake finds peace amidst the confusion of so much stress. I pray that God holds your family in the palm of his hand gently.

Recently, a friend told me how he felt to be addicted to alcohal. He said that he knew it was bad for him, but that nothing was like the feeling of not being in control -- the feeling of being free (an illusion). It occurred to me that covers a lot of addictions. Obviously, there's a physical component to addiction but I had never considered the emotional aspects. If you don't deal with the emotional part, the physical part will just manifest itself in different ways. Although, frankly, even if you get it to manifest in a less damaging way than smoking/drinking then thats a victory.

It may surprise you, but some of us didn't wait until today to start praying for you. And, some of us won't quit when today is over.

Look up A.A. in your phone book and check out a meeting or three - you will probably find that a lot of people there share your experience and that you are not terminally unique.
Taking the first step and admitting that you are powerless over alcohol and that your life has become unmanagable is often the hardest. Aloha, Hunt

Dean, it's hard to have any comment at all except that you can do what you need to do. It's certainly no kind of easy to take the steps. You're on your way.

And don't be kicking yourself too hard. It's not "pathetic" at all that you shared it with strangers. Every night, somewhere, someone like you is standing up in front of 40 people they don't know and acknowledging that a once-pleasant habit is now a very ugly problem. Those 40 people know how hard it is, too.

Y'know what's pathetic? I cried when i read the post.

Okay,

That does it, pal. For your birthday this July, or whenever it is, you get a couple of cases of Vernor's dry ginger ale or something of that ilk. No more booze. No, not even that Anchor Steam stuff you like so well. The only way to beat an addiction is to say "I quit" and then stick to it.

Then you can look back on it a year later, and in some private moment, say"

"We beat you, mother-fucker. Dean Esmay and his own will power."

And whatever you do, don't get drunk over the damned dog. You can always replace a household pet. You sure as hell can't replace your own liver or cardiovascular system.

So my prayer for you won't be like the ones offered by all these other guys. Because prayer is something I don't do.

Instead, I'll offer you encouragement to build up your will power. Because without that, you can never beat the life out of some stinking bad habit. Which is all substance abuse ever was and ever will be.

So from Harris to Esmay: Stand up and take charge of your own body, using your own brain and your own forceful personality. Works like a charm.

Arnold Harris
Mount Horeb WI

Others have said everything better than I, but for whats it worth, Dean, you have my support and best wishes.

And whatever you do, don't get drunk over the damned dog. You can always replace a household pet.

Never had a pet before, have you?

I know you mean well, but your comment is just f*cking mean. It's like telling someone who lost a baby "no big deal, I mean it was just a baby, you didn't even have that long to get attached to it, and you can always have another one"

Dean, you have mail.

Dean,

I've been where you are right now, if you need to chat you have my AIM s/n, send me an email and I'll fire it up for you. You're not alone.

Remember that,

Kevin

I dealt with getting too fond of narcotic painkillers after a severely broken and crushed foot. You have taken a good first step.

Maybe you should consider switching to weed - it's much less habit forming.

AA is good. Helped me when I was younger and dealing with my father's alcholism (Even though he never went cause he never considered himself an alchoholic. It was youth program Al-Ateen for kids of Alchoholic parents. We went with my mom) But the primary thing to get out of it (and what I think can be gotten even if you don't involve yourself in it or take to heart all the diatribes and dogma of AA) is to figure out what makes you drink. Are you drinking cause you enjoy it? Well then just cut back and enjoy at the right times. Are you drinking to escape? Then you have to try and confront what it is that you are escaping from. So on and so forth. The idea that you are just drinking too much and therefore should quit IMO is a little silly and a lot over the top. The reason I believe this is because it will in the end just lead to sublemating, and your addiction will simply move to something else. Sometimes this can be a good thing as it happened with my father he became a workaholic, but sometimes it is very bad like with a family friend who simply moved to illegal substances instead of drinking because everyone in his life told him at every turn he couldnt drink.

Whatever it is the answer is inside not out in some group. The group may help to comfort when the ugly truths are unleashed but they will not make a change in the habits if you yourself are not the one wanting and making the change.

I wish you the best of luck, and I hope that the comments left here help you.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Mike,

If you don't understand the difference between a dog and a baby the problem is yours. Pets are wonderful. But nothing else comes close to a baby.

Silverman,

You don't know what the fuck you are talking about.

We've had pets around her much of my life. Cats mostly, because I just don't take to dogs of any kind. And we've got one cat now. (Cats are tough and independent, and they don't crawl all over you looking for affection, like nearly every damned dog I've ever seen. I like animals -- and people -- if they keep their distance.)

Anyway, all these animals die. Some of them not pleasantly. And I got used to it. Like I got used to all death. Including the certain knowledge of my own.

But I don't let any of that shit interfere with my life. Because I can't afford to. I'm almost 70 now, running a business I can't easily retire from, supporting a large family a lot younger than I am. So I've got no time for weakness, sympathy, or for anyone around me falling apart.

And that's exactly the way I view all life. Unless you learn to stand up in the face of the wind, no matter how hard it blows, you go down and you stay down.

So save the whining noises from the chorus of violins. Real like is no damned movie with happy endings. Everything and everybody decays and dies. You get get used to it, or you crumple up inside and then become one of the victims who die feeling sorry for themselves.

I aim to survive until my heart stops or my mind or body decay. And I hope Dean Esmay can and will do the same. And that's exactly the kind of encouragement I'll give him, as long as I'm welcome in his world and I still have the strength to move my fingers over this old IBM-AT keyboard.

Meantime, Silverman, grow up and stop whimpering like some lugubrious undertaker. You can make the man feel sorry for himself, if that's how you get your jollies. For me, I'd rather check out for keeps than talk or write that way to someone I respect.

Arnold Harris
Mount Horeb WI

Part of AA's creed (as probably everybody knows) is accepting that you are powerless.

A lot of people see this as a sign of weakness, or lack of will power, or whatever. They have contempt for their own weakness. Dean uses that language himself in the post: "I'm pathetic..." "What's wrong with me"

It is a huge step that Dean has taken, and I would hope that we don't bicker here amongst ourselves, as he tries to handle the struggle.

That's all. :)

Good luck. You'll have mail from me, too.

James Doney, if someone admits they have a problem drinking, and it's affecting their life, they aren't enjoying it anymore, at all (".!"). There are no longer any "right times", because it's always "the right time".

That prayer, The Desiderata, is the heart and soul of groups like AA, NA, AlAnon, Alateen, etc. It and the 12 steps are the very essence of the program.

All my best to ya, Dean. I kicked crack with 30 days of inpatient rehab. That was the most important 30 days of my 34 years, and to be completely honest, it's never gotten any easier.

Arnold, good for you. We share commonalities in our world views. Nice to see them in print. Those 40 years you have up on me rejuvenate my faith in my own ideals.

Mike, no offense. I agree with Arnold.

Dean, I have found people may be easily swayed when feeling out of sorts. I'd like to quietly suggest that AA may not be the way to go. Consider all options carefully.

I will not be responding to comments asking me to justify or explain my statement regarding AA. That's how I feel and I wanted Dean to hear it.

Brett -

I respect that. There are many ways to deal with addiction. AA has saved the lives of a couple of friends of mine, so that was where I was coming from. Thanks for the reminder.

Red -

You're welcome. Thank you. That's twice now that you referenced something I said in a positive manner. Thank you very much.

Anyway, all these animals die. Some of them not pleasantly. And I got used to it. Like I got used to all death. Including the certain knowledge of my own.

No shit, but you don't just fucking put them out of your mind with all the afterthought of tossing an apple core into the garbage.

I'm a believer self-reliance and personal strength (I'd be dead now if I were not) so I agree with your there, but that aside, you appear to me from your postings here to be an arrogant, self-righteous little prick who seems to have longevity confused with wisdom.

Maybe you really aren't like that -- maybe your good qualities come forth when someone knows you personally. Hell, maybe we'd be best of friends if we could hang out or go hunting together.

But, we haven't, and based on your behavior here, I wouldn't spare a squirt of piss for you if you were burning to death.

Dean -

I don't presume to tell you how to get over this, but the way I have always dealt with hardship and bad addictions, whether they be mental or physical, is going cold turkey and throwing myself into something else that is more positive.

Personally, my bad habits have been sublimated into exercise. Just a thought.

Dean and Rose--

Our entire family. 20 years in the program for me, 10 for hubby. Both of you, get to a meeting. Get some help. Rose, there is Alanon--GO, go now, just do. Dean go to AA, sit,listen, go tomorrow, go the next day. 90 meetings in 90 days. It takes a man to see his struggles and meet them head on--with help.
My father had 15 years in recovery when he died. My son, luckily knows about our family history and doesn't drink--otherwise, he'd be going to meetings too. It's all in the family.
You can do it. Others will show you how. Let them.

I do believe you're posted the First Step.

Eleven to go.

They're rough. They're brutal.

But when you get to #12, you'll feel much, much better.

Dean
I'm a friend of Bill W. You will know what that means soon (I hope). Sober 3+ years after 7 years in the bottle.

Remember that scene in Airplane! "I picked a great time to stop drinking..." Well, this is one of those times. To stop. Right now. With help.

First time reader, courtesy of Glenn. Good luck.
Nic

I know too many AA success stories (and those from other 12-step programs). And for those Jews who get timid about going to Church basements and classrooms, I have it on VERY good authority that as long as you aren't going to a meeting in an actual sanctuary, it's 110% kosher. The 12 steps are pareve and there isn't anything in them that conflicts with Jewish faith. The only iffy thing is that sometimes meetings contain The Lord's Prayer. When that happens, I know of MANY Orthodox Jews who try to situate themselves in between two people of their own gender (because it isn't recommended to hold hands with the opposite gender, though many of the most Orthodox rabbis permit it--I feel only pity for those who have been desensitized to the powerful electricity of holding the hand of the opposite sex) so that they can hold hands, too, and be GRATEFUL that such a program exists and that one lives in a country where there are other spiritual seekers.

You have NO idea how many people are rooting for you both.

Looking forward to the times where you can post that you just got your one month chip, and so on.

You've got my support as well Dean, in less than a heartbeat.

Holy crap. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

I know it's trite, but the first step is realizing you have a problem and want to deal with it.

Be strong and best of wishes.

Prayers in the air, aye. Be strong, and good luck. We'll be pulling for you.

Dean: I once went through most of a year jamming cocaine up my nose about as fast as I could shovel it. I did this in the company of eleven other hard-charging pros hauling a rock show around the country. Personally, I was responsible for hanging thirty-nine thousand pounds of sound & lights gear in a different arena in a different city, every day. I look back at that, and I am astonished: I don't know how we got through it, except that it must be a tribute to the resilience of youth.

Here's a fact, though: I look at a crew photograph from that year, and there are now three dead guys in that picture. Twenty-five percent of them are gone, now, and it's solely because they didn't figure out what the rest of us did.

We're talking about your very life, mate.

What's it worth to you?

Do you understand? Your life.

Do whatever you need to do. Let me know if you think I can help.

I'm 58 and just finished my 19th year of sobriety on 2/21. I couldn't stop drinking back then because I thought it had to be forever. If you can do it for one day. That's all it takes. Just today.

Don't drink for a day. Then get your ass to an AA meeting and ask for help.

Dean
I usually avoid "me, too" posts but this is one time I think it might help you to know there is yet another reader who understands the struggle and wishes you well. It isn't easy but it IS worth it. Best of luck and I'll keep you and yours in my thoughts and prayers.

Dean wrote: "I can't stop. What's wrong with me?"

Please excuse the anonymous comment. I read your blog but comment only rarely.

Nothing is wrong with you.

You are a human being. Over an extended period you apparently have regularly consumed a drug which affects both your physiology and psychology.

I "quit" alcohol over 30 years ago after reaching a similar conclusion, ie: "I am drinking too much." Here is what I learned.

The first 3-5 days are the most difficult, because the physiological craving is greatest. During this time use *any* effective means necessary to abstain from drinking, whether steely resolve, support groups, moving to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, or whatever.

After the physiological cravings disappear or diminish drastically, use some clearheaded thinking to understand the particulars of your alcohol use, the triggers, the benefits, the risks and costs, etc. Understand for *yourself* (not for anybody else) just what level of use you wish not to approach or exceed. This may mean no use, or once a month, or once a year. The point is to weigh the benefits and costs for *yourself*, not according to some third party's idea of how much or little people generally should use.

Your mileage may vary. Maybe you need complete abstention indefinitely, and massive social support groups. Maybe not. But only *you* can determine that, and only in a period of sober reflection.

The main thing is to stop long enough to get a clear perspective, so you can resolve what levels are acceptable to you, fully considering its effect on those you love.

I still drink occasionally, and lightly, a couple beers at a special dinner, glass of wine at Thanksgiving, etc. But always in a context where I, not the alcohol, determine both the consumption level and the benefit and cost. That is, the physiological craving does not determine the drinking, primarily because there is no more physiological craving.

At the first hint of physiological craving, stop cold for a week or so. Then reconsider your limits.

You will notice the difference with as little as 3 days abstention.

You can do it. Whether you need a particular support group or not, you can do it. Make that first few days of sobriety until the greatest physiological cravings disappear. You will be glad you did, and you will gain very useful insight when soberly reflecting on past drinking. That period of sober reflection starts a powerful upward spiral. Break a leg!

What's wrong with me?

You're a human being. ;)

Get well soon.

=darwin

Dean,

You may want to check out Insight Recovery Center. A relative spent some time at a treatment facility in Clarkston (I-75 & Dixie Hwy) that was very good.

Brighton Hospital is also good (although I believe somewhat more expensive).

Best of luck to you.

Holy crap. I've been away too long. Way too long.

You guys are in my prayers.

If you need anything, let me know. I have reason to hit the Detroit area on occasion. But if you don't seek support from me, seek it from someone.

Best wishes, Dean.

I've posted here before, but I'm saying this anonymously, because it I'm going to mention family members, and I don't think I have the right to air their history without their consent.

Anyway. Alcoholism killed both my father, and his brother. I know it runs in families, and it's somehting I'm always aware of when I drink (and in other areas of my life where I sometimes feel out-of-control).

What I want to tell you, Dean, is - and you must know this already, but it can't be said enough - there are people who love you, who care for you, who WILL help you through this. But you have to let them. Even when you don't want to, or don't think you need to be helped. Especially at those times.

The people who love you, and want to help you, will sometimes seem like pains-in-the-asses, they will sound holier-than-though, you will hate them at times, and curse them. But they are there FOR you, and you need to remember that. All the time. I don't think my father knew that, or couldn't make himself remember it often enough, and in the end alcohol killed him.

It doesn't have to kill you, and you have my hopes and prayers that it doesn't.

As a toker who at one point had a bit of a drinking problem, I would say that the suggestion of switching to weed, if meant as anything but a joke, is a poor one. The only time it makes sense is for someone who has failed more than one attempt to quit drinking and is at risk of liver failure. Right now it makes more sense to stay at ground level at least until the problem is defined and under control.

I will be checking my system at home for a file I think I saved; if so, then again you will have mail.

Dean,
Three months ago I was arrested in front of my brand-new home for DUI, the second time in just over three years. For the public embarrassment, I was fired from a job I had loved for over a decade as General Manager for a Cracker Barrel, losing over 100K per year in salary and bonuses. My wife of 20 years and 11 year old son got to see the police officers put hancuffs on me and put me in the cruiser for a night in jail. So far, I've spent all my savings on attorney's fees, counseling, fees for DUI reeducation, and whatever the state will see fit to do at the resolution of this case. If convicted, I will lose completly my drivers license for one year, with a restricted license for four more, meaning I can drive only to work, school, counseling, the doctor, and church. Since then, I was fortunate to find an employer willing to take a chance on me (thanks Brinker), have gotten closer to my family, and joined the fellowship of AA. Now that the fog is beginning to lift, I am grateful to the neighbors who called the police on me because I didn't injure or kill any innocent people. All I did was lose some money and dignity; money can be recouped with hard work and sobriety will restore my dignity in the eyes of those I love. You're ahead of the game, Dean. You admitted the problem. I'm a little more dense than that, it took two arrests to bring me around. It ain't all sunshine and roses; for me, starting over at 41 with a new company wasn't the ideal situation. But living with the blood of others on my hands forever would be hell of the innermost circle. AA works. God bless you and your family, and if I can help in any way please get in contact with me at my e-mail address.

Dean,
Three months ago I was arrested in front of my brand-new home for DUI, the second time in just over three years. For the public embarrassment, I was fired from a job I had loved for over a decade as General Manager for a Cracker Barrel, losing over 100K per year in salary and bonuses. My wife of 20 years and 11 year old son got to see the police officers put hancuffs on me and put me in the cruiser for a night in jail. So far, I've spent all my savings on attorney's fees, counseling, fees for DUI reeducation, and whatever the state will see fit to do at the resolution of this case. If convicted, I will lose completly my drivers license for one year, with a restricted license for four more, meaning I can drive only to work, school, counseling, the doctor, and church. Since then, I was fortunate to find an employer willing to take a chance on me (thanks Brinker), have gotten closer to my family, and joined the fellowship of AA. Now that the fog is beginning to lift, I am grateful to the neighbors who called the police on me because I didn't injure or kill any innocent people. All I did was lose some money and dignity; money can be recouped with hard work and sobriety will restore my dignity in the eyes of those I love. You're ahead of the game, Dean. You admitted the problem. I'm a little more dense than that, it took two arrests to bring me around. It ain't all sunshine and roses; for me, starting over at 41 with a new company wasn't the ideal situation. But living with the blood of others on my hands forever would be hell of the innermost circle. AA works. God bless you and your family, and if I can help in any way please get in contact with me at my e-mail address.

Dean--

I've written you privately, but I'd like to share the following with you, which may help you understand your inability to stop:

"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed. We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

We are like men who have lost their legs; they never grow new ones. Neither does there appear to be any kind of treatment which will make alcoholics ofour kind like other men. We have tried every imaginable remedy. In some instances there has been brief recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse. Physicians who are familiar with alcoholism agree there is no such thing a making a normal drinker out of an alcoholic. Science may one day accomplish this, but it hasn't done so yet.

Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics are not going to believe they are in that class. By every form of self deception and experimentation, they will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule, therefore nonalcoholic. If anyone who is showing inability to control his drinking can do the right about face and drink like a gentleman, our hats are off to him. Heaven knows, we have tried hard enough and long enough to drink like other people!

Here are some of the methods we have tried: Drinking beer only, limiting the number of drinks, never drinking alone, never drinking in the morning, drinking only at home, never having it in the house, never drinking during business hours, drinking only at parties, switching from scotch to brandy, drinking only natural wines, agreeing to resign if ever drunk on the job, taking a trip, not taking a trip, swearing off forever (with and without a solemn oath), taking more physical exercise, reading inspirational books, going to health farms and sanitariums, accepting voluntary commitment to asylums - we could increase the list ad infinitum."

Alcoholics Anonymous, pp 30-31. (c)1939

Here is the AA web page for Southeast Michigan. It contains a list of all local AA meetings, as well as hotline numbers.

PLEASE check it out today. There is a meeting tonight in your neighborhood.

Not at all pathetic Dean! Seems to be an epiphany. Run with it my good man. Realization is the first step to recovery. I hope you can give it over to the higher power. You're in my thoughts and prayer.

Two bright thoughts, with a gentle, humorous hint of smartassness:

1. AA is easier than OA
2. My Dad's first step toward recovery was a stroke, so you are way ahead of him!

Silverman, you don't know me at all.

1) I don't hunt. My firearms mostly are federally registered automatic weapons, and it's both illegal and dangerous to hunt with them.

2) My wife and I actually bury dead pets. But you wouldn't want to make the mistake of tagging me as a sentimentalist.

3) Save your body juices to squirt on your significant other. I'm not into sadomasochism.

4) That was a good response on your website to the bastard who advertised that the Jews killed Jesus, in front of his church in Colorado.

5) I'm as arrogant and self-righteous as they come. And I revel in it. But I'm not very little.

6) I believe in nothing at all, but think about everything that comes to my attention.

7) I hate dependence, even though I'm stuck with dependants.

Arnold Harris
Mount Horeb WI

If it weren't hard to stop drinking, there wouldn't be alcoholics in the first place.

You can stop. You will, when you're ready. And it's not pathetic that you've taken this public - it's a brave act, the second or third of many you'll take on this road. The first was admitting it to yourself. Bravo. Keep going.

Congratulations. You have now done the first step. There are 11 more. Find AA meetings where you are comfortable. Listen; talk if you feel like it, or don't. You are not alone. There are a lot of people there who have been where you are, some long ago, some last week. If my wife had not found AA, she would not be alive today.

If you're really an alcoholic, talk of control or cutting back is doomed to futility. Some need more convincing about that than others. It sounds as though you're ready. May this post represent your "bottom," and may the road ascend from here.

Good luck, pal. We're all thinking about you.

Dean:

I don't see it as at all pathetic that you admitted it publicly - I see it as a "no turning back" point: a line drawn in the sand.

It took guts. Now do something with it - that's what you intended. I admire you.

God bless you :) I've never visited your site before - you had me in tears and I don't do that easily. I wish you all the best.

I have a feeling you don't need my good wishes or my prayers, but you have them anyway.

And about your dog - it took a long, long time for the pain to go away when we lost our beagle. It really surprised me - I felt stupid. But they're a part of your lives. She kept me company when my husband was deployed. She danced with me when my favorite songs came on the radio. Dogs are magic. Don't be afraid to grieve - you'll get over it. It won't kill you, but it doesn't diminish you to admit you love an animal.

Yeah, Dean, you have my support, too. Best of luck beating this one. It won't be easy. But I have friends who did. You can, too.

You can stop. You must. Now.
Call a treatment center and get directions. Now.
Tell them you're in transit.
You will never regret it.

Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy; but I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven; for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.—Matthew v. 43-48.

Dean, i've called you names and your insistence on being right about everything irked the fuck out of me.

But this post - if true - is the bravest thing I've "seen" in a long time. I'm here for you.

If you have anger pour it out in my comments section - there's unfortunately plenty of room there.

Best.
-- Andrew DIMN | BYTE BACK.

Dean, we're all thinking of you and wishing the best for you. All I can offer by way is an echo of the what others have already said: AA is a wonderful organization that has saved the lives of more than a few people I care about.

Best of luck!

At least you're telling someone. My mom took it to an early grave. I knew, and I suspect the rest of the family did too, but she hid it pretty well.
I hope you're albe to kick the addiction. It's going to be tough, but you will make it through.

Dean, you are incredibly strong and most of the way to beating this already. i know that sounds dumb right now, but after 40 years of excuses, jail, emergency rooms, treatment programs and more, i have never heard my father say in public or private what you already have.

the only suggestion i can give is to permit people to help even when it seems to you that they are not helping. you probably aren't aware of all the things that you need help with.

I've only read your posts occasionally as my daughter has referred you (she's a regular). I don't really have any words of wisdom, but I think you are better off already than one man I knew most personally. You have admitted you have a problem, I think (and I am nobody) this is a good sign. My dad was an alcoholic until he died. He would never admit this was true. He tried AA, but the heavily religious aspect of it drove him out. He would never admit that he had a problem, but everybody knew it. Of course, no one would ever say out loud that he was an alcoholic either. It was considered a terrible blight, something akin to mential illness. Please, don't let your pride get in the way, think of your family that loves you. Do whatever you have to, but kick this thing. It's an awful addiction, which I can truthfully say, as I was on the other side of it growing up.
I don't know if it will help you much, but you and your family will be in our hearts and prayers. I wish you the best.

Dean and Rosemary,

You are not pathetic and what may very well be wrong is that you are one of the ~10% of the population who metabolizes alchohol in a way that produces THIQ in the brain. Once this combines with dopamine, you get the loss of control of drinking that is commonly known as alcoholism. Once the THIQ shows up, it never leaves. The disease can be arrested, but not cured.

As many posts have indicated, there are many options. The option that works best for most people is AA. Now my reaction was "I don't do groups,damnit." Moreover, I had somewhere tucked in my head that this weakness was simply a lack of will power. ALCOHOLISM IS A DISEASE!!! The AMA has considered it so since 1956. And denial of a disease will kill you if the disease is fatal.

Alcoholism is fatal.

It kills people that don't even have it.

And it kills people that have it too.

Please, please get help. The help that worked for us was AA and Al-Anon. Don't overlook Al-Anon for the families of people with drinking problems. My husband and I entered these programs over 20 years ago. Both atheists, angry, and sceptical. And we wouldn't still be attending "those meetings" 20 years later if it didn't work quite well, despite the attitude with which we entered it.

It gave us our lives and our marriage back in ways I cannot begin to describe.

It really can get better.

Lots better.

One day at a time.

You all will be in my prayers.

Dean,

Let me add to all the thoughts that everyone else has expressed: you are in my prayers. Alcohol addiction, like all other addictions, is tough to overcome, but you've made the first, most difficult step. I've had to overcome some really tough stuff in my life, as well. It wasn't easy, but I found that the most important thing for me to do was to be incredibly persistent and brutally honest with myself. Never could I say to myself, "Well, it isn't that bad. I can handle it. I don't really have a problem." I had to fully and completely admit, to myself most of all, that I'd utterly failed, and that I couldn't handle it. By doing so, it freed me to stop making excuses and really deal with the problem head on. So, I think your honesty in confessing your addiction to everyone is the most important thing you could have done, and not pathetic at all. If you ever find yourself making excuses or minimizing your problem - that's when you're in real danger of falling back into addiction.

Let me also add that I'm really sorry to hear about your dog. I love dogs a lot - I've got a wonderful Golden Retriever right now - and losing one is heartbreaking, especially in the kind of circumstances you describe. My prayers go with you as you deal with this.

God bless both of you as you work through these difficult times and issues.

Dean: Been there. Been right there. Sitting on the edge of the bed, holding my wife's hands, apologizing yet again for the drunken ugliness of the night before. Feeling so convicted. Crying. Wanting to stop. Sobbing "This will be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life." Trying to imagine the unimaginable: A day without my beer or eight (or ten, or fourteen...)

Heartily second the posters recommending AA...remembering a comment at a meeting, "This is no game. It's your LIFE. It's serious sh--."

Step 2: "Came to believe." The burden is too big for self-improvement solutions. Give it up to the HP (higher power).

"He will never give up on you, and neither will I, my friend." (Twila Paris)

Dean, you've clearly got alot of friends. Many of them are and will be praying for you. That's the fuel, brother...super-octane, no knock formula. You're set to go. It works if you work it. Know you are loved. Hang onto that, every day, every minute...

One Day At A Time, since 11/10/02

Oh, baby. You have my unqualified support and if you need a shoulder, you know where I am. Rosemary, I'm talking to you, too, honey. BOTH of you are going to need all the love and support you can get.

One step at a time, one day at a time.

PLEASE let me know if there's something I can do.

Sending you all my healing light and love I remain,
Your friend,
Margi

It is brave of you to put this on your blog. I have some idea of how you must be feeling to do so. From my personal experience I would guess that right now you are feeling a combination of some awful physical symptoms, and some very unpleasant emotional symptoms. Please recognize that the two things feed on each other- neither would be as bad without the other. It may not make them go away, but it might help you to remember that you will eventually feel better.

The first thing I would say is- make sure you are eating, and getting a lot of fluids- broth is a good thing. I know it sounds silly, but it's really important.

The second thing is that- when I've been where it sounds like you are, I felt like a uniquely bad human being. I never would have judged another person that harshly for being where I was at the time- so try for some perspective- don't judge yourself any more harshly than you would someone else in your place.

Thirdly- try not to drink, at least for a couple of days, so that you can get an idea of what you want to do about this, with a clear head. If you need some support (or just want some), get it, wherever you can, whether that is from your family, your blog, AA, or some other organization.

Fourthly- If you decide that you want to stop drinking entirely... AA seems to work for a lot of people. If it works for you, and you like it, great. Be aware that there are other options. I would suggest looking at http://www.unhooked.com/ - they have chats every day online, and meetings in many large metropolitan areas. Some of the people that come to the online meetings are among the best I have ever known.

Good Luck.

You're gonna make it.

It won't be easy, it'll be hell...but you're gonna make it.

Hello Dean.

First of all i don't think it's pathetic to share your thoughts with others, after all it is a blog, a diary, and admitting there's a problem, like many said, is the first step. The psychological one.

Secondly, alcoholism is not a normal addiction, as a medical doctor once told me, it is a clinical pathology and it is genetically orientaded. I mean a lot of people consume alcohol but only those who has the 'right' genes will become alcoholic. The problem is that you know if you are one of them only after you've become one, that's the tragedy.

The only way to overcome this is to seek proffesional help! you can't do it by yourself!

The bad news is that after you will, and you will, overcome this dependacy you can never touch alcohol again. not a drop!

That's ok though, there's always sex and drug. :)

take care and be strong, dan.

Everyone quits drinking, and it's awful darn nice to be alive when it happens.

I'm smiling for you and I don't even know you very well.

You're starting a journey that millions of others have taken over the years. It's not going to be easy, but it is pretty simple. You're going to love it.

If you're physically addicted, get your butt into treatment NOW. Alcoholic detox is nothing to mess around with.

Otherwise, just get your butt to as many AA meetings as you can. Listen for the similarities, not the differences. Go out for coffee with the folks afterwards. Get LOTS of phone numbers. Get a temporary sponsor right away until you find someone you can really talk to, but get someone you'll call every day.

Oh yeah, don't drink no matter what.

Join the club, and join AA, Dean.

And realize that you'll beat it, as soon as you realize you can't beat it alone. Far from pathetic, it's a very brave thing to admit, and the first step.

How pathetic is it that I share this with you publicly?

It is the opposite of pathetic. Pathetic would be denying the problem to everyone including yourself. You've already made a huge stride, Dean.

You'll find the strength. Some you'll find within. Some will come from Rosemary. Some will come from friends and family. As one of your readers I hope some will come from me.

Please consider this a "cyber hand" from a "cyber friend". I'm sure there are plenty of people closer to you and the Queen than I am, but if you find yourself in VT ANYTIME- please look me up.

You are not alone.

You have taken the first- and hardest- step.

I can also be reached at plwcpa-at-verizon.net

Pathetic - Nahhhhh. Showed guts. Your on the first step of a very long road. My dad was an alky so I have at least a little experience. Biggest mistake you can make? Trying to do it alone. You will be at war with your toughest opponent - yourself, but, you have alot of support -- use it. Will keep you in my prayers.

Well, I made that same pathetic admission 18 years, six months and two days ago. Stopping drinking was easy, I'd done that a thousand times. The men and women of AA taught me how to avoid starting again.

Dear Dean:

Advice doesn't really work in my experience, and I've known many people who have had a difficult relationship with alcohol, so for what it's worth, here are some things I've learned about addictions and other psycho-physiological conditions:

1. It isn't your fault.

2. It is manageable.

3. You have options.

4. It's best to never rule anything out.

5. Selfishness is admitting that you can't help anyone else until you help yourself.

6. You have options.

You're a good guy.

Please don't take this as patronizing, because it's not: I'm praying for you and your family. I know God will show His mercy.

Way to go Dean! It shows great bravery to do what you just did, especially with that monkey digging into your back and doing it's darndest to break down your will and self confidence. Remember, that monkey is a liar who knows all your buttons. You are well-loved, my brother.

Hello Dean,

My name is Jeff and I have 20 plus years as a sober member in Alcoholics Anonymous. If you have not yet gotten the help you need for the situation you have identified, please feel free to contact me by e-mail and I will do what I can to get you the help you need. Your best bet if you have not already done so is to look up Alcoholics Anonymous in your local telephone book, ask where face-to-face meetings are in your vicinity and get to one. If you are not able to do this send me an e-mail so we can continue to dialogue.

Jeff

http://www.aa-semi.org/index.html -- AA of Southeast Michigan

It's not pathetic to say it. What'll be pathetic will be if, having realized your situation, you don't do something about it. Which you CAN do. Not easily, and I'm glad I don't have to. But YOU do. And you CAN. God bless you and help you.