1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of your checks, write "For Sexual Favors."
7. Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the Prophecy."
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, "Rock Hard."
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won, I Won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
19. The minute the elevator doors close, yell, "God, who the hell farted??" Look at people accusingly.
20. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
(Via my baby-girlfriend Nicole.)
I dont think you need go through all that trouble honestly. According to a study released recently you could be a corporate psycho by just getting mad.
http://www.news.com.au/common/story_page/0,4057,8387407%255E13762,00.html
21. Call in sick. From your cubicle. (I've done this. My manager just rolled her eyes and hung up on me.)
Brian that is way to funny, that is best of all
Wow thanks Nicole! I have strong impulse control issues, so this list could be my autobiography.
Now for the bittersweet part: that manager was a beloved fixture here at my employer. It's one of my sweetest memories of her, and the people who remember her remember that incident and the look on her face. She died suddenly, about two months after her retirement. Hers was the best funeral I've ever been to and I hope mine is half as good as hers, and takes place maybe 100 years from now.
Too damn funny!
Ditto.
As for number 6, the last check I wrote was to my son...
I'd better not forget to do these important things!
A close friend of mine told me to go to your blog and check out "these 20 ways to maintain a healthy level of insanity". I read them to that same friend again while I was on your blog & we were on the phone.... we haven't stopped laughing yet. Great material! I think I'll use it when I'm performing.
Thanks Nicole & Dean.
Eat a Sloppy Joe in the library.
Use a nail file to pry off the buttons on a push-button phone, either yours or a friends. Rearrange the buttons when you replace them. This works especially well with large-button phones and friends that "drink and dial".
I thoght I was reasonably insane but some of those suggestions were too insane for me to even understand!