The bright purple bruises on his upper arm were in sharp contrast to the faded yellow ones. The short sleeves on his brown T-shirt just barely covered the remnants of the previous night’s fight. His BDU collar couldn’t hide the long, crimson, raised marks from her nails that stretched from the left side of his neck to under his chin.
---From the U.S. Army's Casemate Journal
I suggest you go read the rest of it, and contemplate that these are members of the most effective and deadly military forces the world has ever seen.
Yet an awful lot of people want you to think this problem does not exist, that it's very rare, or that it's some kind of joke.
My thanks to the always remarkable Trudy Schuett just for being out there. You should all read her blog regularly.
THX for the kind words! Because of the help of good guys like you, I'm happy to report that each month I'm doubling the number of visits to the DLJ from the month before. This give me real hope that one day both abused men and abusive women will have a place to go for treatment and assistance.
Good article, and every word in it is the truth. You don't know how to defend yourself without hurting her. All it does is increase your inward anger. I haven't hit my children, but I did put my fist through a wall (I didn't mean to hit it that hard...). She acted like me hitting the wall was worse than her hitting me...
And I have felt like my anger/frustration with being unable to resolve things with her causes me to have less patience with my children. It affects things all the way around.
I think there's a connection between this piece and earlier writings about whether or not it's okay to for boys to hit girls. These situations are unfair to men and damaging to the children who must watch these dynamics unfold.
You might also be interested in this piece in the Boston Globe: The other aggressor in domestic violence.
Personally, I find that KnoxAreaRescueMinistries (a Christian group in Knoxville,TN) really tries to run their shelters out of love for the "victims" instead of anger at the "abusers". Its interesting to note that they have programs (housing, counseling, etc) for both men and women. They also opened a shelter specifically for homeless families. This reminds me of Deans post about the impact of Christianity on our world. JesusChrist motivates his followers to serve others from a position of love, not anger.
I find their success remarkable. Yet, we must be careful not to condemn traditional women's shelters. I don't know where the line is crossed between protecting women and opressing men. I understand and agree with the links in the post, but at the same time I know two women in situations that terrify me. They could easily end up dead, and thats not being overly dramatic. If I know two, there must be other people that know a couple, and soon there are thousands. There is a real need for groups prepared for radical agressive intervention.
To fill in the last cell of this matrix of violence, please let me briefly mention:
Woman's Inhumanity to Woman, by Phyllis Chesler.
http://www.salon.com/books/feature/2002/03/29/girls/
It's simple but not easy, isn't it? Two civilized words which apply to everyone: Hands Off.
We have a long way to go.
Let's see now.
He can't slug her. That way, even if it's a misdemeanor, he automatically loses the right to buy any more firearms.
I'd say there's only one way to even the score. That's adultery. If life is going to fuck him over as it did with this woman, he might as well have fun as well as retribution.
That's like saying to her: "You keep your hands where they belong; I'll keep my tools where they belong."
Arnold Harris
Mount Horeb WI
Right to own a firearm? Hell he might wind up with a dishonorable discharge or worse.
What always gets me is how many people deny even the possibility of abuse if a woman is the perpetrator. I always considered that a given. Read the horrifying "A Child Called It" for Dave Pelzer's account of the abuse he suffered at the hands of his mother, while his father stood by and wondered what happened to the woman he married.