As the child of a broken home (I was in the first wave of them that hit the U.S. in the 1970s) I always cringe when I read about studies like the recent British study that was released in the Lancet this week (no direct link, drat it--scientific journals are woefully behind the times.)
Why do I cringe? In part, I suppose, because of the stereotyping of people like myself.
More often, though, because I know it will tend to make single parents--single mothers in particular, and divorced parents in general--feel very defensive, very guilty. When frequently they have no reason to feel that way. Abusive relationships can never be better than broken homes, certainly, and no one's saying that. Similarly, there's not much evidence that parents who divorce when the kids are teenagers will suffer the same effects as the little ones.
But no matter what, some are going to feel defensive and attacked. This is really too bad.
There will also be those who quickly point out that they know people with problems who came from stable homes. Even though no one said an unbroken home is a sovereign remedy for emotional health.
All of these reactions bother me most of all because, well, as the child of a broken home, as the friend of a lot of other such kids, and as a friend and relative to single mothers, I have to say that I have long believed most of what this study shows.
And it bugs me that we can't seem to discuss these things rationally, without someone getting angry, hurt, defensive, or changing the subject.
Divorce hurts kids. That doesn't mean divorce is never the best answer. But it doesn't change the reality that it hurts. That you had to cauterize a wound doesn't mean cauterizing is great.
Is it possible to talk about these issues without people getting wound up in accusations and defensiveness?
The question (and this was briefly touched on at the end of the article) is: how many of these parents are just bad parents, regardless of marital state? Indeed it seems like there should be a higher than normal percentage of “people who are bad parents” who also fall into the category of “people who are likely to divorce”...
Keeping in mind that “bad parent” doesn’t mean “unloving parent”.
A related inane comment came from our very own Super Bowl legend, John Elway about a week ago. He's divorcing wife Janet (apparently it's too tiring to fight off all the women when you're a handsome multi-millionaire sports legend) and was quoted something along the lines of, "I want to wrap this up quickly and quietly so the children won't be affected." Right.