The Republican Party has finally won its long-acknowledged goal of complete dominance of American government. The President, both houses of Congress, a majority of state legislatures and governorships. Now the Master Plan can finally be implemented in full.
Tomorrow morning, Arch-Leader George W. Bush announces the abolition of the First Amendment. All nekkid pictures on television and the internet will be banned, and anyone caught in posession of copies of Playboy Magazine will be jailed. Anyone speaking poorly of the President, his mother, or Apple Pie will henceforth be jailed without trial.
Free guns are to be issued to all schoolchildren over the age of 6 by the end of the year. A universal draft will also be reinstated for all males between the ages of 13 and 65, unless you're a white male Protestant, in which case you will be exempt. The rest will have the honor of serving as cannon-fodder in our glorious quest to abolish all other civilizations on the globe.
Starting in 2004, all citizens will be required to drive SUVs that get only 3 miles per gallon. This is so we can keep our Big Oil Department humming along as the backbone of The New Old Economy!
All national forests, national parks, and forest preserves are to be paved over and replaced with strip malls by 2015. However, in order to ensure that nature's beauty is preserved for future generations, all surviving examples of the world's endangered species are to be shot, stuffed, and put on public display in our nation's schools and museums.
In keeping with the new plan for America, Strict Constructionist judges will, no later than the end of 2003, declare that blacks are to be re-reduced to the status of 3/5ths of a human being. Except we like Coolio, and that Sinbad guy's kinda funny, so they're exempt.
Women nationwide will immediately be fired from all positions of management or authority. Unmarried women will be assigned to their fathers or a designated Legal Guardian until suitable husbands can be found. All women will be required to bear at least three children in order to further the American race.
On yeah, and female sportscasters are hereby banned forever!
Homosexuals, Jews, and Catholics will all all immediately be assigned to Re-Education Camps run by the Reverends Falwell and Robertson. (Hope you guys like cookies and lemonade.) Until the Homosexual Problem in particular is resolved, all forms of Musical Theater will henceforth be banned. All art not drawn by Norman Rockwell will also be banned.
All prime-time television will be replaced, by Presidential decree, with reruns of television shows made no later than 1963. Non prime-time television shall consist entirely of Bob Barker's Let's Make A Deal and the newly-revived Dialing for Dollars and, occasionally, variety shows from the 1970s.
All music other than the two officially-recognized forms--Country and Western--is hereby banned. Since The Star Spangled Banner doesn't quite fit either category, the National Anthem is henceforth to be either Dueling Banjos or that whistling guy from The Andy Griffith Show. (To throw Democrats a bone, we'll let them choose that one.)
Finally, Federal Law Enforcement agencies are all hereby abolished and replaced by the Fortune 500 companies, who will henceforth tell you what you are allowed to eat, drink, or wear at all times. Your careers will also be assigned for you by Corporate Management Experts who will determine for you what job you should have and how much you should be allowed to make. (By the way, do you want fries with that?)
Yes, my fellow Americans-who-voted-Republican-this-year, finally our goal is complete. Well done!
P.S.: We haven't decided yet whether to ban imported beer. Please let us know what you think.
Didn't you just describe Singapore?
I think you've had your quota of imported beer for the forseeable future, thank you.
:^)
Seriously: W has always had a genius for exceeding the expectations that were set for him by others.
Dean's scenario is an example of that: If Bush and the GOP do none of the preposterous things outlined above, he'll be viewed as a success.
To me, this makes the Dems' next moves clear.
Er, my "scenario" is satire, Ara. %-)
No, not a satire. You were drunk, remember?
~8^)
That said, I gave you credit for writing something that had a grain of truth to it.
Besides, we all know you've described yourself as having no sense of humor.
Now we start seeing nightly news reports about droves of people starving in the streets of our cities... children ground up and sold as dog food... George W. setting seniors adrift on an iceberg... brain damage caused by phonics... cackling plutocrats in tuxedoes and silk top hats with their unholy love of "blood for oil"...
SNIDELY WHIPLASH HAS TIED POOR NELL TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS! OH, HELP! HELP! WHERE'S DUDLEY DO-RIGHT?
To: Most Reverend Jonathan Swift, Dean of St Patrick’s, Dublin
Sir,
How dare you suggest the poor Catholic people of Ireland take up cannibalism to reduce the numbers of the poor? You should be ashamed of yourself!
In future I would appreciate it if you could stick to lovely fables like that one about Gulliver. I found that particularly amusing and shared it with my children. However I chose to expurgate all references to Dr. Gulliver’s Master B*tes—that was a little too much—I hope you won't mind.
Yours faithfully,
Etc. etc.
Constant Reader
Dean,
You were reading the message boards on democraticunderground.com before you wrote that, weren't you? 'Fess up, now.
I take exception to a few of the errors in your report, brother.
First, you quote from the old secret master plan when you say "Free guns are to be issued to all schoolchildren over the age of 6 by the end of the year."
The Re-Revised King Dubya edition clearly states under article 6, pertaining to weapons, section 3, pertaining to limitations on their possession, sub-section C:
That sub-section goes on to indicate the affirmation required to demonstrate competence with a gun:
Shoddy work, Mr. Esmay. Please do your research next time. Additionally, it was decided in the interests of narrowing and reversing the trade deficit that all imports be banned, except persons imported as menial labor.
Had you been in attendance at the last Grand Republican Council meeting you most assuredly would have received this update and placed it in your Policy and Procedures Manual.
Poseur.
,,,the National Anthem is henceforth to be either Dueling Banjos or that whistling guy from The Andy Griffith Show. (To throw Democrats a bone, we'll let them choose that one.)
Screw them! What do they know about art? Dueling Banjos! Dueling Banjos!!!!
I have to agree with Anonymouse on the Dueling Banjos issue. There ain't a red blooded man in America who doesn't tighten up his sphincter at the sound of that little ditty!
Bush to Dems: Squeal like a pig!
Riyadh delenda est!
You talk of giving guns to 7-year-olds like that's a BAD thing... mine has had one since then (six years ago), and he's already whacked a Boone & Crockett ten-pointer Democrat with a one-shot clean pull.
Next, you'll be wanting to outlaw the time-honored tradition of handing out .22 ammo to kids at Halloween...
Next, you'll be wanting to outlaw the time-honored tradition of handing out .22 ammo to kids at Halloween...
Bite your tongue!
You know no red-blooded Texan would let that happen, I tell you what.
Gettin rid of Snickers and such would make more room for ammo, though...
Hey, I think Dean has a case for plagiarism!
This is the second time this year they've done that to me!
Have you no shame, New York Times? Have you no shame at all???
;-)
Nope, nope.
The new anthem will by "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (The Angry American)" by Toby Keith.
You forgot to mention that naughty statues are to banned, as well as dancing.